How have your symptoms changed, how you’ve learned to live, & what you’ve overcome?

[KayW]

A couple of threads recently have reminded me how bad things had got before I was diagnosed. It's almost like part of trauma because it's part of my life that is with another part of me.

I'd been attacked in my house first, then a few months later when I tried to stop contact with him, he attacked again at a friend's house. He knew where I lived and we mixed with the same people, so the fear that someone could mention my name to him and that could trigger him to come and kill me was a realistic fear. It also meant that I stayed in survival mode and was triggered ridiculously often.

Sometimes I would feel and see his presence like a spirit in the room and I would believe it so much that I would tell it to leave me alone. I'd wake up in the night believing that something terrible had happened and would have to check that my children were still alive. And with people that shared acquaintances with him, I'd fawn around them sometimes and tell them I didn't want to know them at other times or I'd write long emails attempting to explain the distorted logic of what I was afraid of. I'd also drink and hurt myself sometimes.

So looking honestly at where I am, I no longer live in that house or have any contact with anyone that knows him, so triggers are relatively rare. I do still have mild intrusive thoughts and emotions and find myself fawning or avoiding, but I no longer shout at imagined perpetrators standing in my house.

 

[Morgan Machen]

In my 30s, after 36 grams of psilocybin, I spontaneously developed affective empathy (I have schizoid). I use dextromethorphan as a maintenance medicine and my day-to-day is relatively symptom-free. I used to have thousands of intrusions a day (due to OCD) and that has been mitigated a lot. My biggest challenge these days remains OCD, and I do still deal with a lot of intrusions. Simple things like petting my cat, I will be pelted with tactile hallucinations of harming animals, etc.

If I cut a vegetable with a knife, I feel the knife in my hand and flashes of cutting people. Stuff like that. But generally, on a daily basis, I play video games, chat to people and am usually pretty chill. It's taken 17 years of constant, repetitive, grueling work to get to this point. I was diagnosed with inhibited RAD as a kid, and now I have a good relationship with my mom and a solid basis of obligation and care toward her that I've purposefully built.

So, I'm very proud of that stuff, even though I'm too disabled to hold a job or attend my education. Largely, I've found ways to modify my behavior (anger management), curb my aggression (FORNET), and am able to speak about my trauma without self-judgment. I'm still in the process of learning compassion and kindness toward myself, but I make strides in that every single day. That, and the OCD, are what I'm focused on now as they have the biggest impact in my daily functioning.

Like @Friday said, this is a great question.

36 grams sounds harrowing, to say the least. I think I probably compounded my trauma with psychedelics. I'm curious to know your thoughts on the current 'renaissance' and what you think of all the hype around psychedelic therapy.

 

[whiteraven]

I don't dissociate anywhere near as bad as I used to, and my insiders (I have DID) have been mostly quiet for a pretty long while. But to me the biggest thing is that I don't live every day thinking about/planning to kill myself.

 

[Weemie]

36 grams sounds harrowing, to say the least

It was over a period of four months, thankfully! I did do two heroic doses, then 1-2g doses after that. It was indeed very harrowing. Neurogenesis is difficult because it changes the way your brain processes information.

Even if you're suffering now, you're still used to operating a certain way. I went from 0 to 1 emotionally where most people might be 10. That doesn't seem like a big deal but going from nothing to something drastically changed my life.

Psilocybin is certainly a viable treatment for PTSD but people need to understand that it's a serious thing, to change how your brain works. If you're successful nothing will ever be the same and you have no reference to know what you don't know.

Success is also not guaranteed. I wound up being suicidal for a period because of it. There is risk to this, I liken it to chemotherapy. You wouldn't get chemo unless you had cancer. So you shouldn't mess about with psychedelics unless you need them.

 

[Freddyt]

There's been a bunch of change alright.

Physically, my back. Thought it all came from an SI I damaged long ago but nope.......when it unlocked......amazing. I had everything up to unending back spasms and poof - 80% better.
Mentally - most of my nightmares are either at a low level or gone. The rest is variable. Since it's CPTSD it depends what we are working on in therapy how the rest of the symptoms are. Sometimes really reactive - sometimes not. I can though, manage my symptoms generally speaking.

It's like a complex approach and involves using stuff I learned here, a little meds, CBD and CBG, and the word "No".
So either I can and it's ok.
I could but its not worth what is going to happen after.
I'm doing it. I will deal with what happens after but whatever it is its worth it.

Plus one simple thing. When things are not great - pick a symptom you can affect - say rumination - and shut it down. Because when you reduce any one symptom - the rest get better too. Then you work on the next worst symptom. And you will get the window of tolerance open more and more......