What’s your experience - years after death of a loved one

[Charbella]

Like they have full access to them including emotions that arise. I don’t.

For those of us who shut off their emotions forever, we don’t have access to all of them. My range just isn’t as full as others.

In lots of ways I find that to be a good thing. I’m not sure how I feel about them in relation to loss of a loved one…unsurprisingly.

The range of emotions you speak of, frankly scares me. Which is probably a good thing since I don’t know that I’ll ever be capable of it.

Today I was reminded that I’m not done grieving the loss of my dad. Memorial Day in the states means visiting graves. The item I ordered for my dad’s didn’t arrive as described so now I’m last minute trying to put something together. The fact that it felt like the end of the world is telling.

 

[Friday]

For those of us who shut off their emotions forever, we don’t have access to all of them.

That sounds more like numbing, than having shut off their emotions. Much less shut off forever.

Numbing is often far more problematic than the absence of.

 

[Freida]

Well aint this some timing.
T said to me this week "at some point you are going to have to grieve for your parents."
Cause, well, I can't? won't? Don't know how?

Mom died just before the pandemic and dad died two years ago
Mom had been sick for a long time, dad caught me totally off guard.
I was super close to both of them, so it ripped a hole in my reality.

I've cried a bit but not really grieved. Mostly because there's just been too much going on to even think about missing them. Which has become an issue with t -- who says you can't just bottle it up and ignore it forever (challenge accepted! LOL)

Of course I'm trying to analyze the crap out of it - and of course t reminds me we can't logic our way out of grief - we have to feel it. So if you figure it out first lemme know!

 

[Weemie]

Numbing is often far more problematic than the absence of.

I agree this sounds more like numbing. I have an absence of emotions and the statement "I'm not done grieving XYZ" just literally doesn't compute for me. When I was 12 I lost my grandfather and I remember hiding in the closet trying to force myself to cry so that people wouldn't be disturbed by my lack of concern. To this day I don't have any internal sensations about it.

However, these days I have a semblance of awareness that a lot of my cognitive difficulties processing my traumas stem from the human inability to understand death and suffering. I have an absence of emotion but it's not total, 100% nothing. Especially as through neurogenesis, I've gained a very small ability to feel remorse and compassion.

I can't say how I would react if my mom died for example but that will completely upend my life (I will lose all of my belongings, my pets, be totally homeless, with no money pretty much immediately) so chances are I will not spend much time grieving her as I won't have the luxury.

Nevertheless undoubtedly it will come down to cognitive processing - the ability to comprehend death, which as a species we fundamentally lack. So, even without the internal sensation of emotion, losing people, pets and things can cause difficulties!

 

[phillip224]

Hi! It's been 5 years since my mom passed away. At first, the grief was overwhelming, but I've found a new normal. The pain is still there, but I've learned to live with it and focus on the good memories. Sometimes, unexpected things still trigger strong emotions, but I've found ways to honor her memory and move forward.