What’s your experience - years after death of a loved one

[Warrior Chicken]

Curious to know of others experience with the loss of a loved one years after their death.

I feel that mine is unusual, which is partly why I’m asking.

Before I get into my own experience, I’d like to hear about yours.

 

[Charbella]

I’m not great at processing these big emotional things. I’m still talking about my dad in the present even though I know he’s gone.

However I lost a dog and some will say it’s not the same but I say they’re wrong. The supportive unconditional love your supposed to get from a parent or loved one, never experienced that but my dog, he showed it to me. I still think about and miss him everyday and it’s been 6 years, this month in fact.

 

[Movingforward10]

My post would be very similar to @Charbella 's.

People say they feel they have lost an anchor to the world when a parent dies. My Dad died this year and I didn't lose an anchor. You have to have grounding in the first place for that? But when my cat died a few years ago I felt the loss of an anchor so acutely. Awful. Incredible sadness. Got a new cat asap to fill the void.

Grief doesn't end? Someone remains dead for the rest of our lives.

I was thinking the other day that my relationship with my Dad can be less problematic now he is dead, because I can hold the best bits about him and leave the rest.

I'm curious what is driving your question @Warrior Chicken

 

[arfie]

my youngest son and his wife were killed in a traffic accident in september, 2019, leaving us with 3 orphans, ages 6, 3 and 9 months. i'll second @Movingforward10 's wonder if the grief ever ends. mommy and daddy are gone forever. insert old folk tune here. "motherless children have a hard time when their mother is gone." i'll be 84 years old when that baby graduates from high school. "some folks say a granny will do when your mother is gone, but she'll grow old and die on you."

that saidmo after 5 years of processing. . .
there are many levels on which i feel closer to my son and his wife now than i did when they were alive. the romantic duo performing the classic soon-to-be-ex waltz are giving way to the idealized parents who are always there for their children. the woman who called me, "monster-in-law" feels more like the charming girl i knew as a promising high school student. my son and i had an immensely spiritual relationship. i believe it really is him whispering in my mind, "mom, we can work our theories better from here." i believe he guides me continually on the raising of his children. mommy, too. despite her facebook divorce cliches was a mother who loved her children dearly. when the children are feeling the stings of their orphanhood, they seem to take great comfort when i speak to them of mommy and daddy's spiritual presence. can you feel them right here, right now, telling us how much they love us?

family grief counseling was covidically derailed and i have yet to close those social distances to resume counseling. after typing all that, i wonder if i should bite the proverbial bullet and jump that hump. maybe. it's a big hump. the mandates that i disable 40 odd years of psychotherapy in order to isolate anew remain a thorny chew. pre-therapy, i was such a hardcore isolator that i knew about maintaining social distances before covid made the term a household cliche. 6 feet never was enough for me unless it was 6 feet under.

 

[enough]

I lost mom at 11, and was beaten for grieving after Dad remarried in a cult/religion arranged marriage 4 months after. “Nothing has changed” they lied. Then they started trying to save my soul from the lake of fire by beating me and humiliating me until i knuckled under and accepted gods love and eternal life. Yeah, f*ck no. out when i had a work permit and into the life of a runaway, trauma crash course version at 14.
So, do i grieve the loss of mom? Maybe i grieve the loss of childhood in the horrifying new “house”? maybe the loss of my father to the new cult/ religion? All of the above and more.
Sixty two. Still discovering how to get past it, daily living my way through the 53,000 stages of grief.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Thanks for sharing your experiences everyone. It does help me to see that grief is an entirely individual experience and though there are common phases. Each person has a unique perspective based on their own dealings with grief.

For me, I do have a similar experience with pets vs people. It’s always been harder for me to lose a pet. Maybe because my relationship with animals is less complex?

I'm curious what is driving your question @Warrior Chicken

My dad died 3 years ago. It was tough when it happened but about a year after….it became like all the other human deaths I’ve experienced. Like they never existed. I’ve been thinking there’s something not right about that. I have to really focus to bring that person into awareness and find memories of them that might bring emotion. But mostly, just blank.

 

[Movingforward10]

. I’ve been thinking there’s something not right about that.

What's making you think that?

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I listen to others as they recall memories of their loved ones and they seem complete. Like they have full access to them including emotions that arise. I don’t. It’s more like things got erased. This happened lots with my trauma stuff. Until it re-emerged when I began therapy because of one memory.

So, I guess this is something that happens to me but I don’t like it. With the thread I was hoping to get a better understanding of others experiences and that it’s not full and complete for everyone (as my mind tries to tell me)

 

[Movingforward10]

With the thread I was hoping to get a better understanding of others experiences and that it’s not full and complete for everyone (as my mind tries to tell me)

I understand.
I have worried that my grief is lacking. And that maybe I am avoiding it. I was worried that I didn't miss my Dad. But then I have had two moments where I have missed him. So maybe it's about moments?
I see how my partner grieves her parents (they died within weeks of each other at the beginning of the pandemic), it's VERY different to me.
And it's difficult then, when you compare yourself to others.

As long as your grief is 'working' for you, then it's ok?? I think??

 

[Sideways]

How do you go with experiencing your emotions generally?

I lost my Grandad a few years back. There’s been a couple of other people in the last 5 years, but he was the one that mattered.

I can immerse myself in that, and come up with feelings of happiness. The others, like my nan (passed 2 years ago, and we were also very close) it’s very close to nothing.

But, that’s consistent with my experience of emotions generally. They’re still pretty hard to connect with for me.

I also have a tendency towards an avoidant attachment style, which developed as a protective factor as a child. That means when people leave, I don’t tend to register an emotional response at all.

That emotional numbing isn’t a personal defect, though. It’s ptsd. So, the fact that I can connect with anything at all when I think of him, means he’s pretty important.

If I let my head go into “I should be feeling…” territory, that’s about as helpful as “I shouldn’t have ptsd”.

It doesn’t mean these people weren’t important to me.
It is motivation to keep working on my recovery. Because I deserve to experience the full emotional range that goes along with the healthy human experience. Including grief and loss.

So do you. But don’t beat yourself up for not being there yet. Just keep going.

 

[whiteraven]

My dad died 3 years ago. It was tough when it happened but about a year after….it became like all the other human deaths I’ve experienced. Like they never existed.

My response is complicated, but this is how I respond when I lose my emotional attachment to them. It's a *very* good thing, in my view. The only reason we grieve is because we are attached. And to me, attachment is the bad guy here.

I have a much harder time with animals. I mean, if you think about it, we often have pets their entire lives. They don't go off to college or get married. And sometimes, they might be with us from the moment they are born (or shortly after) to the moment they die.

I have to really focus to bring that person into awareness and find memories of them that might bring emotion. But mostly, just blank.

But why is it important to you to have emotion? Is it because that's the way we are conditioned to believe grief "should" work?

 

[Friday]

Curious to know of others experience with the loss of a loved one years after their death.

I feel that mine is unusual, which is partly why I’m asking.

Before I get into my own experience, I’d like to hear about yours.

It completely depends on who died, how, and my level of responsibility.