Later in life crumble... Does anyone else have experience with being functional for so long until your not?

[kheals]

Does anyone else have experience with being functional for so long until your not? I'm 40 and it seems like I'm doing worse than I've ever done even though I'm years away from my trauma. I'm not sure if the Pandemic just opened it all up but during that time was I living in an unsafe neighborhood that had construction 24/7, and plenty of triggering elements around.That time was also when I first started getting serious about therapy. I have always been trauma informed via self-help books since a young adult but always struggled to find a non-grad student qualified therapist and really couldn't until a year and a half ago, and it was only through sheer luck I ended up with one. Was diagnosed with C-PTSD 9 years ago from child abuse and then my younger sister getting sex-trafficked when I was in my late twenties. She died from a horrible drug addiction where I was battling my entire dysfunctional family in the hospitals because she had 3 heart surgeries from continuous drug use. Just thinking about that time crumbles me with exhaustion and dark sadness I have a different dad than my siblings (separate issue: deep survivor guilt over that) who I saw on the weekends, but still lived in hell 5 days a week until I was 18.

Back to my toxic building I lived in before and during the Pandemic. My therapist implored me to move but was already falling into a deep freeze mode then. I eventually got to a better neighborhood I absolutely love but I'm still next-level frozen and it's been a year here. My therapist says my nervous system is thawing out but HELLO....not rich and can't afford a leisurely vacation-style thaw out... meanwhile the bills and debt are piling up and I cannot handle the day to day task of finding a job. I worked in hospitality for so long and refuse to go back knowing full well it made C-PTSD infinitely worse....My friend suggested I attend Underearners Anonymous. I think there's some truth there. Have a degree, and am hardworking, and relativity capable but just feel so dead inside, weighed down by C-PTSD, survivor guilt, and work fatigue honestly. Worked myself into the ground in hospitality. It's also just hard to find a job these days!

Any advice or thoughts extremely welcomed!

I wish I had advice for you. I'm going through it myself. And yes, I think the pandemic made things worse for a lot of us. For some, a lot worse.

I think it's worse for those who come from a bad background. I also come from a bad background but it was about neglect and psychological abuse. Our backgrounds, and the things that happen in our lives because of them, are exhausting. It feels to me like I'm using energy and resources I don't have. Do you feel that way? It took everything I had to get out of being homeless 20 years ago. I felt like I'd used up my future energy. It never did come back. I don't know if it's like this for you. If it is, you can see that you're not alone.

I'll tell you what I'm attempting, maybe there is something in there for you:

1. I'm trying to disassociate my body and feelings from thinking. I'm trying to not look for the cause and just feel what I feel. What is happening in my body. If I want to cry, I just cry. Without trying to figure out why I'm crying. I find that thinking about it can send me into a spiral.
2. I found a support group. I've been there twice and I like them, although I still haven't convinced myself that I'll do something wrong and get kicked out. Time will tell. There are some messed up support groups out there so it may take time to find one. Mine is with NAMI and they have lots of groups. There may be one in your city.
3. I'm trying to get out more. I have a fear of people and I need to stop this.
4. I meditate and do Energy Medicine. There are lots of techniques out there. What I find is that doing these techniques calms my nervous system. Usually. I'm in the middle of a problem at the moment.
5. I exercise and dance. Being in my body brings me back to now. That is really helpful.
6. And I signed up for some workshops with Unemployment. Especially the workshops for people who have been out of work a while, changing jobs, or who are a bit older. I'm hoping I find some help there.

Hope is a tricky thing. It can keep us from acting if we hope someone will save us. That can be a desperate hope. I find that I have the most hope when I'm trying something new. The key is to have hope but not be attached to it. Hopes get dashed all the time. (A dashed hope is why I'm currently having a problem. I had too much hope.) But when you try something new, you are acting, attempting to move forward. It's an act of strength. Signing up here and sharing is an act of strength.

My wish is that we both find our way out of our situations.

 

[Anitza]

I wish I had advice for you. I'm going through it myself. And yes, I think the pandemic made things worse for a lot of us. For some, a lot worse.

I think it's worse for those who come from a bad background. I also come from a bad background but it was about neglect and psychological abuse. Our backgrounds, and the things that happen in our lives because of them, are exhausting. It feels to me like I'm using energy and resources I don't have. Do you feel that way? It took everything I had to get out of being homeless 20 years ago. I felt like I'd used up my future energy. It never did come back. I don't know if it's like this for you. If it is, you can see that you're not alone.

I'll tell you what I'm attempting, maybe there is something in there for you:

1. I'm trying to disassociate my body and feelings from thinking. I'm trying to not look for the cause and just feel what I feel. What is happening in my body. If I want to cry, I just cry. Without trying to figure out why I'm crying. I find that thinking about it can send me into a spiral.
2. I found a support group. I've been there twice and I like them, although I still haven't convinced myself that I'll do something wrong and get kicked out. Time will tell. There are some messed up support groups out there so it may take time to find one. Mine is with NAMI and they have lots of groups. There may be one in your city.
3. I'm trying to get out more. I have a fear of people and I need to stop this.
4. I meditate and do Energy Medicine. There are lots of techniques out there. What I find is that doing these techniques calms my nervous system. Usually. I'm in the middle of a problem at the moment.
5. I exercise and dance. Being in my body brings me back to now. That is really helpful.
6. And I signed up for some workshops with Unemployment. Especially the workshops for people who have been out of work a while, changing jobs, or who are a bit older. I'm hoping I find some help there.

Hope is a tricky thing. It can keep us from acting if we hope someone will save us. That can be a desperate hope. I find that I have the most hope when I'm trying something new. The key is to have hope but not be attached to it. Hopes get dashed all the time. (A dashed hope is why I'm currently having a problem. I had too much hope.) But when you try something new, you are acting, attempting to move forward. It's an act of strength. Signing up here and sharing is an act of strength.

My wish is that we both find our way out of our situations.

Yes. I agree with everything you are saying here, especially that I've used up all my reserves for early trauma and then traumatic event with my sister as I was getting close to 30. I think simplifying life as much as possible is the only way I can make it. Healing requires time off from stressful events like working yourself to death. I don't know, your list hits all the right points. I have way more social anxiety now then I ever did, but I'm trying to push through that because life is literally, passing me by

 

[Freddyt]

I have way more social anxiety now then I ever did, but I'm trying to push through that

Far better to learn coping skills for the things you can't change quickly.

I have Complex PTSD and am realizing some things may take a while to change or may never change. So learning how to live with them? While not perfect in a lot of ways, is how it is.

Hang with me - I play golf. I wanted to improve my scores, so I took lessons to improve mt swing. But the huge help? Was the psychology stuff. Because it helped me then and it helps me now. And the biggest smiles on my T's face are when I use those things in day to day life.

This one works. Get a little notebook. Write positive statements in it like "I enjoy going grocery shopping". "I am confident and safe in public." "I feel confident in social situations".
Read them - all the time. Several times a day. Because the person you need to convince that things are OK - is you, and you need to believe it before you become it.

 

[Anitza]

Far better to learn coping skills for the things you can't change quickly.

I have Complex PTSD and am realizing some things may take a while to change or may never change. So learning how to live with them? While not perfect in a lot of ways, is how it is.

Hang with me - I play golf. I wanted to improve my scores, so I took lessons to improve mt swing. But the huge help? Was the psychology stuff. Because it helped me then and it helps me now. And the biggest smiles on my T's face are when I use those things in day to day life.

This one works. Get a little notebook. Write positive statements in it like "I enjoy going grocery shopping". "I am confident and safe in public." "I feel confident in social situations".
Read them - all the time. Several times a day. Because the person you need to convince that things are OK - is you, and you need to believe it before you become it.

Thank you!! I affirmations is something I've avoided like the proverbial plague but it's high-time that I start!

 

[kheals]

Yes. I agree with everything you are saying here, especially that I've used up all my reserves for early trauma and then traumatic event with my sister as I was getting close to 30. I think simplifying life as much as possible is the only way I can make it. Healing requires time off from stressful events like working yourself to death. I don't know, your list hits all the right points. I have way more social anxiety now then I ever did, but I'm trying to push through that because life is literally, passing me by

I wish only the best for you. May you find your way. Big hugs.

 

[Anitza]

I wish only the best for you. May you find your way. Big hugs.

Thank you! The same for you. This group is the only place I've found where everyone is on the same page with endless amount of empathy. Thank you for responding

 

[brokenpony]

yes i have had a steady decline for 5 years. decline started mid-thirties and going to be 40 soon. basically i had a lot of trauma i avoided and then experienced more long-term abuse trauma for 3 of those years. then the aftermath of that and everything else has been really awful, and i struggle to function more than i ever have.

i feel like i was obliterated somehow, the first time i understood how often i had been SAed. and had several rugs pulled out of from under me after that. like any time i get back on the rug it gets pulled out by some new knowledge or understanding that completely messed with my head. now i live in this fog punctuated by panic.

feels like a current has been taking me farther and farther away from the life i thought i knew, the me i didn't quite know but who did have more adult capability than i feel i do now. and it's like, there is no way back but my brain keeps wanting to reset back to that time before, when i was oblivious to everything.

sigh.

i want to lie down but i should take a walk instead. i don't feel like i ever know what to do with myself.

 

[wishiwashere]

yes i have had a steady decline for 5 years. decline started mid-thirties and going to be 40 soon. basically i had a lot of trauma i avoided and then experienced more long-term abuse trauma for 3 of those years. then the aftermath of that and everything else has been really awful, and i struggle to function more than i ever have.

i feel like i was obliterated somehow, the first time i understood how often i had been SAed. and had several rugs pulled out of from under me after that. like any time i get back on the rug it gets pulled out by some new knowledge or understanding that completely messed with my head. now i live in this fog punctuated by panic.

feels like a current has been taking me farther and farther away from the life i thought i knew, the me i didn't quite know but who did have more adult capability than i feel i do now. and it's like, there is no way back but my brain keeps wanting to reset back to that time before, when i was oblivious to everything.

sigh.

i want to lie down but i should take a walk instead. i don't feel like i ever know what to do with myself.

I just found this community sort of by accident, but obviously bc I'm struggling. This thread came up on my Internet search and I started reading...id literally forgotten what it felt like to feel understood. I relate so much to your post in particular, bc of the way you describe your experience. The current taking you farther away.. the multiple rug-pulling setbacks. The terrible feeling that you think you might not make your way back to functionality this time, even though you did it before. This is my life now. I'm 47, and I feel like I can't pull myself out this time, but I absolutely have to. I had an alcohol dependence issue in my mid 30s and got finally sober and have stayed that way since the day after Christmas 2017. I made so much progress the next 2 years, had gone back to full time physically and emotionally demanding work, made social connections, became a really good parent again, gained self respect. I didn't have time to or really know how to process and heal from everything that I'd been through in life, but my life has momentum finally, and it was like, living WAS the healing. Then right before covid hit, my ex husband, who was still my person, talked to every day, still in love really, took his own life. The moment I found out, it was a different reality for me. I feel like, I broke. Then covid hell. Then a car accident that destroyed my ability to do the one job I really knew how to do and was good at. Everything just disappeared. It was all pain, and fear, and trying to settle with the at fault drivers insurance, which took 2 years. I haven't been the same person, I don't even know who I am anymore. I have diagnoses, like PTSD, anxiety, adjustment disorder, depression, ADHD. And I take my meds and kind of function, watching my money disappear to pay the basic bills. And I'm so scared, don't have a clue how to fix this. I'm just going to stop here bc that was so long. But maybe I found this for a reason, so I'm going to stick around. Everyone seems so open and not afraid to admit how much they're going through and I need that. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

 

[Freddyt]

Thank you!! I affirmations is something I've avoided like the proverbial plague

No not affirmations!!!!
One of the top golf psychologists Dr. Bob Rotella said "the world has it backwards. In order to be good at something - belief comes first - then you get good."

Not affirmations - things you believe about yourself. I like that wayyyy better. Because better requires you to believe it before you can be it.

 

[Anitza]

I just found this community sort of by accident, but obviously bc I'm struggling. This thread came up on my Internet search and I started reading...id literally forgotten what it felt like to feel understood. I relate so much to your post in particular, bc of the way you describe your experience. The current taking you farther away.. the multiple rug-pulling setbacks. The terrible feeling that you think you might not make your way back to functionality this time, even though you did it before. This is my life now. I'm 47, and I feel like I can't pull myself out this time, but I absolutely have to. I had an alcohol dependence issue in my mid 30s and got finally sober and have stayed that way since the day after Christmas 2017. I made so much progress the next 2 years, had gone back to full time physically and emotionally demanding work, made social connections, became a really good parent again, gained self respect. I didn't have time to or really know how to process and heal from everything that I'd been through in life, but my life has momentum finally, and it was like, living WAS the healing. Then right before covid hit, my ex husband, who was still my person, talked to every day, still in love really, took his own life. The moment I found out, it was a different reality for me. I feel like, I broke. Then covid hell. Then a car accident that destroyed my ability to do the one job I really knew how to do and was good at. Everything just disappeared. It was all pain, and fear, and trying to settle with the at fault drivers insurance, which took 2 years. I haven't been the same person, I don't even know who I am anymore. I have diagnoses, like PTSD, anxiety, adjustment disorder, depression, ADHD. And I take my meds and kind of function, watching my money disappear to pay the basic bills. And I'm so scared, don't have a clue how to fix this. I'm just going to stop here bc that was so long. But maybe I found this for a reason, so I'm going to stick around. Everyone seems so open and not afraid to admit how much they're going through and I need that. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

No not affirmations!!!!
One of the top golf psychologists Dr. Bob Rotella said "the world has it backwards. In order to be good at something - belief comes first - then you get good."

Not affirmations - things you believe about yourself. I like that wayyyy better. Because better requires you to believe it before you can be it.

Yes! Thank you. Self-love is the primary aspect of healing!

yes i have had a steady decline for 5 years. decline started mid-thirties and going to be 40 soon. basically i had a lot of trauma i avoided and then experienced more long-term abuse trauma for 3 of those years. then the aftermath of that and everything else has been really awful, and i struggle to function more than i ever have.

i feel like i was obliterated somehow, the first time i understood how often i had been SAed. and had several rugs pulled out of from under me after that. like any time i get back on the rug it gets pulled out by some new knowledge or understanding that completely messed with my head. now i live in this fog punctuated by panic.

feels like a current has been taking me farther and farther away from the life i thought i knew, the me i didn't quite know but who did have more adult capability than i feel i do now. and it's like, there is no way back but my brain keeps wanting to reset back to that time before, when i was oblivious to everything.

sigh.

i want to lie down but i should take a walk instead. i don't feel like i ever know what to do with myself.

The fog is a real event. I feel so spaced out some days it's like I'm watching life from a window. I really hope that we can find a way to some clarity and healing, mostly understanding that we deserve a life filled with joy too.

 

[Anitza]

I just found this community sort of by accident, but obviously bc I'm struggling. This thread came up on my Internet search and I started reading...id literally forgotten what it felt like to feel understood. I relate so much to your post in particular, bc of the way you describe your experience. The current taking you farther away.. the multiple rug-pulling setbacks. The terrible feeling that you think you might not make your way back to functionality this time, even though you did it before. This is my life now. I'm 47, and I feel like I can't pull myself out this time, but I absolutely have to. I had an alcohol dependence issue in my mid 30s and got finally sober and have stayed that way since the day after Christmas 2017. I made so much progress the next 2 years, had gone back to full time physically and emotionally demanding work, made social connections, became a really good parent again, gained self respect. I didn't have time to or really know how to process and heal from everything that I'd been through in life, but my life has momentum finally, and it was like, living WAS the healing. Then right before covid hit, my ex husband, who was still my person, talked to every day, still in love really, took his own life. The moment I found out, it was a different reality for me. I feel like, I broke. Then covid hell. Then a car accident that destroyed my ability to do the one job I really knew how to do and was good at. Everything just disappeared. It was all pain, and fear, and trying to settle with the at fault drivers insurance, which took 2 years. I haven't been the same person, I don't even know who I am anymore. I have diagnoses, like PTSD, anxiety, adjustment disorder, depression, ADHD. And I take my meds and kind of function, watching my money disappear to pay the basic bills. And I'm so scared, don't have a clue how to fix this. I'm just going to stop here bc that was so long. But maybe I found this for a reason, so I'm going to stick around. Everyone seems so open and not afraid to admit how much they're going through and I need that. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

Hi welcome! we all seem to experiencing a lot of similar feelings and it's just so amazing to have anyone to talk to let alone a whole group of people. I'm reading this book here that I've attached and I think it's been the most useful thing I've read this far. It's really a blueprint on how to get to a better place! The author also has a website where you can download segments of the book that he thinks are the most useful to everyday life. I think I'll do a while post on this so the group can see it. I'm desperatel

I just found this community sort of by accident, but obviously bc I'm struggling. This thread came up on my Internet search and I started reading...id literally forgotten what it felt like to feel understood. I relate so much to your post in particular, bc of the way you describe your experience. The current taking you farther away.. the multiple rug-pulling setbacks. The terrible feeling that you think you might not make your way back to functionality this time, even though you did it before. This is my life now. I'm 47, and I feel like I can't pull myself out this time, but I absolutely have to. I had an alcohol dependence issue in my mid 30s and got finally sober and have stayed that way since the day after Christmas 2017. I made so much progress the next 2 years, had gone back to full time physically and emotionally demanding work, made social connections, became a really good parent again, gained self respect. I didn't have time to or really know how to process and heal from everything that I'd been through in life, but my life has momentum finally, and it was like, living WAS the healing. Then right before covid hit, my ex husband, who was still my person, talked to every day, still in love really, took his own life. The moment I found out, it was a different reality for me. I feel like, I broke. Then covid hell. Then a car accident that destroyed my ability to do the one job I really knew how to do and was good at. Everything just disappeared. It was all pain, and fear, and trying to settle with the at fault drivers insurance, which took 2 years. I haven't been the same person, I don't even know who I am anymore. I have diagnoses, like PTSD, anxiety, adjustment disorder, depression, ADHD. And I take my meds and kind of function, watching my money disappear to pay the basic bills. And I'm so scared, don't have a clue how to fix this. I'm just going to stop here bc that was so long. But maybe I found this for a reason, so I'm going to stick around. Everyone seems so open and not afraid to admit how much they're going through and I need that. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

Hi welcome! I am desperately trying to figure out how to get out freeze mode. It's been pretty intense. I feel like I've been a shell of a person for so long. I wanted this share this book with you. It's ready been the most useful thing I've read so far. It really is a blueprint on how to manage PTSD. I'm going to post it for the group. The author also has a website where you can download excerpts from the book that he thinks are really helpful. This community is a blessing.