Later in life crumble... Does anyone else have experience with being functional for so long until your not?

[Anitza]

Does anyone else have experience with being functional for so long until your not? I'm 40 and it seems like I'm doing worse than I've ever done even though I'm years away from my trauma. I'm not sure if the Pandemic just opened it all up but during that time was I living in an unsafe neighborhood that had construction 24/7, and plenty of triggering elements around.That time was also when I first started getting serious about therapy. I have always been trauma informed via self-help books since a young adult but always struggled to find a non-grad student qualified therapist and really couldn't until a year and a half ago, and it was only through sheer luck I ended up with one. Was diagnosed with C-PTSD 9 years ago from child abuse and then my younger sister getting sex-trafficked when I was in my late twenties. She died from a horrible drug addiction where I was battling my entire dysfunctional family in the hospitals because she had 3 heart surgeries from continuous drug use. Just thinking about that time crumbles me with exhaustion and dark sadness I have a different dad than my siblings (separate issue: deep survivor guilt over that) who I saw on the weekends, but still lived in hell 5 days a week until I was 18.

Back to my toxic building I lived in before and during the Pandemic. My therapist implored me to move but was already falling into a deep freeze mode then. I eventually got to a better neighborhood I absolutely love but I'm still next-level frozen and it's been a year here. My therapist says my nervous system is thawing out but HELLO....not rich and can't afford a leisurely vacation-style thaw out... meanwhile the bills and debt are piling up and I cannot handle the day to day task of finding a job. I worked in hospitality for so long and refuse to go back knowing full well it made C-PTSD infinitely worse....My friend suggested I attend Underearners Anonymous. I think there's some truth there. Have a degree, and am hardworking, and relativity capable but just feel so dead inside, weighed down by C-PTSD, survivor guilt, and work fatigue honestly. Worked myself into the ground in hospitality. It's also just hard to find a job these days!

Any advice or thoughts extremely welcomed!

 

[GiantSquid]

I did well until 39. Then my childhood trauma came back in full force, even though the trigger was rather small.
I don’t know what it is about 40s, but it seems like it’s a difficult time for many. For me, I had been putting things aside and using dissociation as a tool to achieve my goals. One day it simply stopped working.

I’m sorry I can’t offer advice on the job issue. I used to be a social worker in case management but I’m unable to work due depression. I have been on fixed term disability for last three years.

 

[Anitza]

I did well until 39. Then my childhood trauma came back in full force, even though the trigger was rather small.
I don’t know what it is about 40s, but it seems like it’s a difficult time for many. For me, I had been putting things aside and using dissociation as a tool to achieve my goals. One day it simply stopped working.

I’m sorry I can’t offer advice on the job issue. I used to be a social worker in case management but I’m unable to work due depression. I have been on fixed term disability for last three years.

Thank you for your response. I'm sorry that you are in a similar place. I think you're right that 40- is a coming-to-a-head place in life. Maybe all the years of auto pilot catch up to us and we get into a serious burn out. I've thought about disability too because C-PTSD feels that debilitating. I think our aggressive capitalistic world makes the healing journey difficult...I also worked at a charity and got serious compassion fatigue. I had to realize that although I wanted to help, it was triggering me too much, and I wasn't even remotely on my healing journey then.

 

[Movingforward10]

I struggled at 41.

I heard that there is a lot of info about people crashing around 40. Something to do with maladaptive coping strategies no longer working? That was said to me years ago in a sort of throw away conversation and it just stayed with me.

But it made sense to me.

What the good news is that if it is learned behaviour that no longer works. We have the ability to learn new things. Freaking tough to unlearn a lifetimes way of coping. But bit by bit it can get better.

 

[mszl]

Damn, I'm turning 40 next year. I'll better get prepared.

 

[Anitza]

I struggled at 41.

I heard that there is a lot of info about people crashing around 40. Something to do with maladaptive coping strategies no longer working? That was said to me years ago in a sort of throw away conversation and it just stayed with me.

But it made sense to me.

What the good news is that if it is learned behaviour that no longer works. We have the ability to learn new things. Freaking tough to unlearn a lifetimes way of coping. But bit by bit it can get better.

It does make sense! And thank you for the support. Definitely not easy to change your coping patterns when they've become almost a part of your personality!

Damn, I'm turning 40 next year. I'll better get prepared.

Preparation is best!

 

[arfie]

i love the term, "later in life crumbles." it fits my own perception of the phenom beautifully.

in my own case, i've been through several rounds of the phenom. i'm 69 now and i believe more and more that i should count the sub-meltdowns where i am far from okay, but still managing to keep the life train on the tracks. i have been feeling pretty crumbly since i inherited 3 orphans in 2019, (god, i miss retirement) but by tackling the sub-meltdowns individually, i even manage to find a few grins between the meltdowns.

 

[Freida]

I kept it together for 30 years and then POOF!!!! Everything crashed down.

And yep - because the coping skills I had always used just stopped working. Which according to my t wasn't a bad thing exactly - because it forced me to see that I needed to change them to match my life now rather than my life in the past. Long road. Still on it.

 

[Freddyt]

45 years of holding it together - sort of until boom - way to much happened all at once and things went really wrong.

CPTSD here too. A few years of therapy and still working close to the beginning of it all. It takes time and this place has been a godsend. Learn how to live your everyday and deal with your everyday here. There are lots of us who have and likely will be around for a while to help with stuff.

Not that its easy but when you learn from others you don't have to learn it all yourself.....

 

[Anitza]

i love the term, "later in life crumbles." it fits my own perception of the phenom beautifully.

in my own case, i've been through several rounds of the phenom. i'm 69 now and i believe more and more that i should count the sub-meltdowns where i am far from okay, but still managing to keep the life train on the tracks. i have been feeling pretty crumbly since i inherited 3 orphans in 2019, (god, i miss retirement) but by tackling the sub-meltdowns individually, i even manage to find a few grins between the meltdowns.

Thank you for your wisdom! It sounds like a full house for you. Crumbly could be a new word for the onset of a major crumble which is what we are all here to learn to avoid.

I kept it together for 30 years and then POOF!!!! Everything crashed down.

And yep - because the coping skills I had always used just stopped working. Which according to my t wasn't a bad thing exactly - because it forced me to see that I needed to change them to match my life now rather than my life in the past. Long road. Still on it.

It's so strange how where you are in the worst it and seem to have more together. The idea of matching our coping skills to where we are now is helpful! Thank you!

45 years of holding it together - sort of until boom - way to much happened all at once and things went really wrong.

CPTSD here too. A few years of therapy and still working close to the beginning of it all. It takes time and this place has been a godsend. Learn how to live your everyday and deal with your everyday here. There are lots of us who have and likely will be around for a while to help with stuff.

Not that its easy but when you learn from others you don't have to learn it all yourself.....

I agree this place is a really amazing space. PSTD is really an insular community that no one can understand unless they are in it. I think that's why everyone here is so nice and helpful! And also, because the world outside this community isn't really understanding including many of our own family members and friends! Or our family even caused our PTSD!

 

[Friday]

I was military/paramilitary from 17-23. My PTSD first went sideways somewhere in the middle of that. It took me roughly 5 years to unf*ck my head/heart/life the first time through.

FF 10 reeeeeeally amazing & largely asymptomatic years, to my early 30’s? A perfect storm of new trauma, loss of coping mechanisms, and stress/stressors galore kicked Pandora’s box wide open, again.

I’d actually managed to fully process SOME of my trauma history, way back when, so it was startling/mind blowing to find that part? Did. NOT. come rushing back. Everything else? Did. The first time through? I hadn’t actually been trying to process my trauma (that part happened on accident), I had been trying to reduce/eliminate my symptoms. Which I did. <<< All of which I mention, because that experience is why …this time… I decided to handle things differently. To not only focus on nixing my symptoms, but to go after root causes.

There have been a lot of mixed results. In part because of

A) Ongoing “new” trauma(s)

B) Instability (there are 2 kinds of “Get stable FIRST”; mental/emotional which is what most if not all inpatient trauma treatment centers focus on; and making sure your life is stable enough to absorb the blows trauma therapy will bring; work/income, housing, relationships, passion/purpose, coping mechanisms, etc.).

Either new trauma OR one’s life not being stable? Is enough to put the kibosh on things. Adding them both together? Is a recipe for disaster.

Took me a helluva long time (I’m stubborn) to both believe that, and account for it.

So it’s taken me a whole lot longer this go round, I’m in my early 40’s now, than the first time through, to make any kind of progress. Because there are a lot of different factors in play, this time through. Still? I tell myself that I did it before, so I can durn well do it, again.

 

[Anitza]

I was military/paramilitary from 17-23. My PTSD first went sideways somewhere in the middle of that. It took me roughly 5 years to unf*ck my head/heart/life the first time through.

FF 10 reeeeeeally amazing & largely asymptomatic years, to my early 30’s? A perfect storm of new trauma, loss of coping mechanisms, and stress/stressors galore kicked Pandora’s box wide open, again.

I’d actually managed to fully process SOME of my trauma history, way back when, so it was startling/mind blowing to find that part? Did. NOT. come rushing back. Everything else? Did. The first time through? I hadn’t actually been trying to process my trauma (that part happened on accident), I had been trying to reduce/eliminate my symptoms. Which I did. <<< All of which I mention, because that experience is why …this time… I decided to handle things differently. To not only focus on nixing my symptoms, but to go after root causes.

There have been a lot of mixed results. In part because of

A) Ongoing “new” trauma(s)

B) Instability (there are 2 kinds of “Get stable FIRST”; mental/emotional which is what most if not inpatient trauma treatment centers focus on; and making sure your life is stable enough to absorb the blows trauma therapy will bring; work/income, housing, relationships, passion/purpose, coping mechanisms, etc.).

Either new trauma OR one’s life not being stable? Is enough to put the kibosh on things. Adding them both together? Is a recipe for disaster.

Took me a helluva long time (I’m stubborn) to both believe that, and account for it.

So it’s taken me a whole lot longer this go round, I’m in my early 40’s now, than the first time through, to make any kind of progress. Because there are a lot of different factors in play, this time through. Still? I tell myself that I did it before, so I can durn well do it, again.

Yes! Thank you! It's really a circular problem of not being stable with money and housing while trying to manage trauma. You need a base level of stability to handle therapy, and then new traumas can throw curve ball. But you're right, if you did it once, you can do it again!