Help to navigate this with my therapist?

[Movingforward10]

A background to the situation:

My therapist said, in the session last week, that she isn't available for our usual time this week as she has a hospital appointment. But that she would email me options to rearrange. Perhaps having a session earlier in the day on thursday or on Wednesday.

This is in the context of my Dad dying and the funeral happening this week. An event we have spent some sessions talking about as family is complex and I didn't know if I was going or not or leaving or what. So a difficult week. And she knows is a big deal.

Anyway, she didn't email. I left it till today to ask if she is free. She didn't email back. Admittedly it was only a few hours but I needed to know as needed to work out my work schedule in response. So I emailed again.

She then responded to say that she was going to email me. That she is unwell with a throat infection and has lost her voice and is not working this week. And hopes she is next week. And if she gets better earlier than next Thursday and I want an earlier session, she will let me know.

I'm upset. And I'm torn.

And I don't know how to respond. She clearly is unwell with her hospital situation (she said it's a scan. And I don't know more than that). And now she has lost her voice. She is obviously needing time off. So I get it.

But I'm upset she hasn't even referenced the funeral. I know she wouldn't do therapy by email. But to not mention it seems remiss to me.

And I don't know how to handle it.

I'm trying to remain calm and logical and adult and sane. But also a part of me, that is growing the more I think about it, is getting disregulated and wants her to know that. Which is making me not know how to respond.

Do I respond simply saying "sorry to hear you're not well. Hope you feel better soon and see you next week". Which seems an adult thing to do. But also one that ignores my feelings.

Do I respond to say yes, and earlier session if she is well enough would be helpful as the funeral happened and it feels something that would be helpful to discuss earlier if possible" or something like that. Which seems adult, but also saying yep things are significant here?;

Or, what I think might be passive aggressive?? And respond saying I'll see her next week. This week has been difficult (has it been though? I don't know?) with the funeral yesterday.

.idk.

I'm very confused.

 

[Movingforward10]

Ok. So I am panicking and feeling like I need to respond now. So have. Spoke to my partner about it and sent:

" Sorry to hear you are unwell and hope you feel better soon. And I hope the scan goes well on Thursday.

If you are able to offer an appointment earlier than next Thursday. I would like to take that offer up given the funeral yesterday. If not, I hope we can meet next Thursday or when you are better"

I sent that.
But I still don't know if I sent it because I'm upset she didn't reference the funeral and I wanted to reference the funeral which is my passive aggressive way of highlighting she didn't?

I do think it's a big thing not to mention the funeral.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I'm really struggling for words, but I read this and my heart hurt for you so trying to make some sort of sense here. I think your text response to your T was perfectly appropriate considering the massive stuff going on behind it. You can see the complexity with her own health situation and understand that (as much as you can of course) whilst honouring and voicing your own stuff, which naturally you really need her to be on the ball for. What rubbish timing

Someone will come along in a sec with words far wiser that mine, but I think you've done a damn good job in the immediate term with trying to deal with this wobble.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks @Midnightmoon . Your words help.

 

[Friday]

I do think it's a big thing not to mention the funeral.

Does she usually break confidentiality without you having done so, first? (IE mentioning specifics about your life/sessions/treatment in writing, that you haven’t already written about, in that email chain).

 

[Movingforward10]

Does she usually break confidentiality without you having done so, first? (IE mentioning specifics about your life/sessions/treatment in writing, that you haven’t already written about, in that email chain).

She's done it twice before. Once a few years ago when I was going for an internal medical examination and she knew the time before I had a melt down and couldn't do it. She was emailing something and said she would be thinking about me the next day. So referencing it, without mentioning it directly. And she did it recently when he died, saying that she hoped I was ok when she sent the zoom link for the next session.
So she references things without mentioning what they are. It was that referencing I thought she might do.


Also, the last time she was off sick, last February, I had a meltdown then too. And she apologised when she came back the following week saying she didn't do enough to ensure I was ok whilst she was off.

It's clear, by the fact, I think, that I emailed her twice in 4 hours (something I just don't do) asking about the session, and the whole last few weeks with the topics of the funeral, and last week me saying I feel I am back putting all this feeling on her, that I'm in a bit of a fragile place or wobbly place. Or idk.


I feel like this is a difficult thing. And I'm struggling to remain adult and logical. All the feelings are overwhelming and old patterns coming out and it's a bit difficult.

 

[Sideways]

For me personally, if I’m negotiating appointment times or payment or prescriptions between appointments, I’d be really shitted off if my T brought up something that ought to be dealt with in therapy.

It’s hard to keep that stuff compartmentalised enough to function. I do therapy in the therapy room, and unless I’m in crisis that’s where it needs to stay.

Fortunately, that’s a very standard boundary that most Ts will also observe, which works really well for me personally.

 

[Movingforward10]

For me personally, if I’m negotiating appointment times or payment or prescriptions between appointments, I’d be really shitted off if my T brought up something that ought to be dealt with in therapy.

It’s hard to keep that stuff compartmentalised enough to function. I do therapy in the therapy room, and unless I’m in crisis that’s where it needs to stay.

Fortunately, that’s a very standard boundary that most Ts will also observe, which works really well for me personally.

Yeah, maybe she is doing this. But, she has brought things up before and I've actually appreciated it.

But I get what you're saying. I'm being defensive in response to it and feeling "but but but I feel hurt". And I do.


But also:
It is for the therapy room.
And she is unwell.
And it's all just unfortunate.

Just need to work through it. Without spiralling too much. So need to just work on that.

Feels all a bit shit though.

 

[Sideways]

It makes sense that you feel hurt.

But it also makes sense that she doesn’t want to start a conversation on this particular topic in a forum where she can’t provide you with meaningful support.

From both perspectives, your needs are the likely motivator.

When I’m in difficult spaces like that, I try and make some space for those painful emotions in a self compassionate away. “I feel hurt, and it’s a really awful feeling, but I’m going to welcome that feeling and spend some time just allowing it to be…”.

Because, in a completely counterintuitive way, that tends to help me move through the emotion in the least distressing way.

 

[Friday]

But also:
It is for the therapy room.
And she is unwell.
And it's all just unfortunate.

Good on.

I feel like this is a difficult thing. And I'm struggling to remain adult and logical. All the feelings are overwhelming and old patterns coming out and it's a bit difficult.

PLUS it’s probably a helluva coping mechanism to be able to be hurt and angry at HER, right now.

((She’s a pro, and can handle/expect the backlash. If she were being all practically perfect in every way? Imagine who/what/where all this pain might land instead!))

As it’s not just the whole emotions-don’t-logic-so-hot (that’s what’s minds are for)… but a sick/unavailable caregiver when you’re hurting? An almost bespoke level of target for ALL the EVERYTHING brought up from the funeral to latch it’s teeth onto and shake like a dead rat???

Standard ‘remaining adult/clear/logical’ &or nixing transference tricks during normal life …are going to fall far short of the mark.

Because there’s a lot more going on here.

A full-on Stressor level of triggered, as the present echoes the past & tangles in it; which means full on avoidance (symptom) and all the f*ckery that comes along with that; during a time of already great stress & emotional upheaval, old wounds being ripped open; very real present day heartbreak & grief; not to mention other things in play I’m probably not aware of… quite frankly? I’d be more concerned about you if it were easy.

That it IS difficult, and you’re still reality checking, attempting to adapt, find solutions, think things through, etc.? Are wicked good signs you’re fighting to manage, and manage hard.

 

[Movingforward10]

But it also makes sense that she doesn’t want to start a conversation on this particular topic in a forum where she can’t provide you with meaningful support.

This makes sense. I'm misunderstanding her not mentioning it. And thinking her not mentioning it means she's not thought about it. Or forgotten about it. Which might not be the case at all.and most likely isn't, given my experience of her.

When I’m in difficult spaces like that, I try and make some space for those painful emotions in a self compassionate away. “I feel hurt, and it’s a really awful feeling, but I’m going to welcome that feeling and spend some time just allowing it to be…”.

Yeah. I'm not good with this but trying to work on it.

PLUS it’s probably a helluva coping mechanism to be able to be hurt and angry at HER, right now.

Yeah, and this was my worry last week as I thought I was projecting all the feels onto her. And she felt I wasn't. But I do wonder if I am. Or am now.
It is so much easier to be angry at her.
When there were things to get angry about yesterday and I have no feelings about them (like my mum not speaking to me and middle sister at all until I went over to her. We could have gone through the funeral without having a conversation with her if I hadn't initiated it. And might have been better if I hadn't.)
So I get I might be projecting onto her. Lots of things.

That it IS difficult, and you’re still reality checking, attempting to adapt, find solutions, think things through, etc.? Are wicked good signs you’re fighting to manage, and manage hard.

Thanks. Trying to cling onto different ways of seeing things. And this is a reminder that when I get rigid and black/white thinking: that's when I know I got problems. This level of problems is managing.

 

[Teamwork]

It’s okay to have your feelings and hopes and wishes. The problem on both sides is neither really knows what is going on with one another until a session can be had. She may very well be at home and asleep or resting and not responding as if she is in office. Mostly because she is looking out for her health, her needs and protecting her get well zone. Therapists tend to do that better than we do as a part of their training . That being said if the relationship is otherwise good and things typically go well, chalk it up to absence of thinking how you are doing given she is not doing well. Follow the path of looking after yourself and the funeral residuals by getting support here and where ever you can as she is not too available at a time when you need but neither of you can change that at the moment. I’m sorry about your dad, complex family stuff and familiy issues can make funerals a more daunting experience than they need to be. Journal if you can and recognize that grief is a journey and thre will likely be many sessions on it in the future.