Recent loss complicated by trauma - Strategies to pause the rumination, ways to reduce the stress just so I can function

[jaccat]

I lost my brother N in January this year. N and I went through hell together, he took the brunt of it. We lost our other brother, J four years before N died, our dad, five years before that. There's been a lot of loss and I know grief pretty well. N died of an aggressive brain tumour, after years of struggling with his mental health, si, addiction, coming to me for support, for something so random as cancer to take him, it's hard. I can't even put into words what he meant to me.

I'm in anniversary season now. Between his first admission into hospital and his death was less that six months. I get it, it's still recent for me, it's the first year, I'm still processing. My problem is that it's becoming overwhelming. The rumination, the reminders, the memories. And the complicating stuff, the earlier traumas, the family stuff, which is all kind of mixed up in it.

I'm not trying to avoid the thoughts, the grief process. Because I've had so much loss I'm well aware I don't deal with it the way people expect me to. It's not the first time it's hit me months later. My problem is it's overwhelming me. I'm getting brain fog at work. I'm having to avoid anything that could upset me. I also suffer from fatigue due to a health condition and am at risk of getting sick again. My job is currently full of its own stresses and I'm just trying to navigate through that in one piece. It's only for one more week and then the stresses there will hugely reduce. Once that's sorted I'll have time to focus on me.

What I'm asking for is strategies to pause the rumination, ways to reduce the stress just so I can function for a little bit longer.

 

[arfie]

gentle empathy, jaccat. i just passed the 4th anniversary of my youngest son and father of 3 at 35 years old. his wife died in the same accident. guess who inherited the children. they serve as a harsh reminder of just how much we have lost. i s'pose that having the children to grieve with has helped keep the process a bit more open, but it is still a mighty hole in my heart. yes, the process has been triggering my ptsd symptoms on a routine basis. the heart strings are all connected.

i wish i had strategies to make it easier, but the closest i have found is to be gentle with myself and patient with the process.

rocking you gently and crying with you. . .

 

[Teamwork]

What you are going through is very difficult to navigate. When I’m like this I call it the octopus. There are so many legs to it. So many things tipping the balance of where to start. For me I draw. Especially the types of drawing that relax me and allow whatever is there to truly come to the surface. The one thing that helped me tremendously even though I did not want to go was to join a group that was running a program called Grief share. I think it was twelve weekly sessions at a local church. I was the only one dealing with a young person’s death, 16 years old by suicide. Everyone else was more natural, spouse, sibling, cancer etc. I took what applied to me, from it. Fatigue is a good leg to pull on first. If there is any way to prioritize rest, good sleep, healthy habits it would be a good place to start. Utilize any tricks for recall if you are forgetting to do things at work or home. Sticky notes, google calendar reminders, having a friend phone and check in that you paid bills or did something important. Sometimes you can say to memories, not now. Acknowledge it as being there and in need of attention but not now. It is a habit that helps the mind and brain to recognize that the memory is there and needs your attention but it is not useful to have to deal with it at work. When I place something in a not now I am saying to myself that I hear you, lets draw about it later. Often then, when I draw later only tiny pieces of it come back, but it is dealt with in tiny pieces. Some people swear by writing. I can only occasionally do a brain dump by writing. In some respects I’m saying that for me I have to acknowledge that there is tons intertwined in my mind that flow into my day and in order to not be in trigger and memory mode I need to acknowledge it is there, even if it is for a few minutes then encourage myself to refocus on what is in front of me in this present moment. It is mindfulness, yes. Not something I really wanted to do either, however the more I learned about coming back to the present moment the more I understood that there really is something to that shifting in the brain. It’s kinda like, yes memory I see you want my attention right now but I need to do this work here to meet a deadline so I will attend to you later. As to avoiding things that upset you. That’s a whole other piece of work that I totally understand. I’m learning to become aware of what upsets me. Then ask myself why it matters so much, do I have control over it? Usually not as it is coming from other peoples doing something. I like the graphic that shows what I do have control of and what I dont. It’s a reminder to me to focus on what I can do and to let go of things that really I have no say in.

 

[jaccat]

the closest i have found is to be gentle with myself and patient with the process.

@arfie thank you for the reminder. This is much what my T tells me to do. I'm not great at it. I'm sorry you are also going through it.

@Teamwork thanks, there's lots for me to think of there. Sorry for your loss too.

I draw. Especially the types of drawing that relax

I forget about this. I write, but it's not been easily available to me since N got diagnosed. Usually, when I'm struggling to write I draw, but I forget it's an option to me.

I'm not sure I'd be comfortable in a grief group. I think there are some around, but people's experiences are so different to me that when I've tried groups in the past I've been left feeling very much the outsider. My T's away for the next two weeks, which isn't helping. I do have a very good friend I know would be there for me if I felt able to open up, but that's another issue.

I do need to concentrate on the fatigue. I know I'm not taking the care of myself I should be. I know it doesn't help.

Mindfulness is probably a good way to go. I struggle with it, but I get that it takes practice.

 

[flappergirl35]

I'm so sorry for your losses.

I've suffered with rumination most of my life. It hits me worse at night and causes me to be unable to sleep. I talked to my therapist about it and he suggested I try meditation. I have a TV in my room and found some youtube sleep hypnosis/body scan type meditation videos and watch them at night. They help my mind settle down and help with stopping the night time rumination.

It took me awhile to get into it and it's a bit of practice but I find it's easier to get my mind to calm down now than it used to be. If things are really off the rails for me though, it's hard for me to get into it at all. With nightly practice, though, it's easier for me to shut my mind off and relax.

I wish I could offer more suggestions but this is one of the things I found to be most helpful.

 

[Friday]

I'm not trying to avoid the thoughts, the grief process. Because I've had so much loss I'm well aware I don't deal with it the way people expect me to. It's not the first time it's hit me months later. My problem is it's overwhelming me. I'm getting brain fog at work. I'm having to avoid anything that could upset me. I also suffer from fatigue due to a health condition and am at risk of getting sick again. My job is currently full of its own stresses and I'm just trying to navigate through that in one piece. It's only for one more week and then the stresses there will hugely reduce. Once that's sorted I'll have time to focus on me.

One of the things that I’ve learned is that I need to take bereavement leave (from work)… later.

With certain jobs? I can just tell my boss that, and they get it. I can take all the time I need WHENEVER I actually need it. With others? They only understand immediate mourning, so the delayed response thing? Means IF I tell them about the death in real time, I’ll probably lose that job a few months later, when I actually need time off. Unless it’s the kind of job I can “simply” take time as I please, or bypass them & go through HR, and use whatever category HR is legally required to offer.

So, for me?

- One of the BEST ways I remain functional is to realize when I’m starting to actually be hit with grief/mourning, and take the next couple weeks to a month off. During that time off? It’s also reeeeeeally important I don’t just faceplant, because I can lose some rather ungodly amounts of time doing that. Don’t get me wrong, faceplanting is great, in. small. doses.

- My personal best ways I process, instead of disintegrate, is on the move. But traveling is also my home/therapy the most centering & grounding thing I can do… aside from / on par with… hitting a beach and swimming half the day and working on projects the other. It’s just easier for me to think/feel/act & do what I need when I need (instead of pushing things down, or sucking it up, or powering through, or zoning out), when I’m in either of those two of my elements. <<< Clearly (I hope?), everyone is going to have different best ways/means.

- The best thing ABOUT grief? Is that as painful as it is, it allows me to actually remember the person I love, instead of just feel the pain of their loss. So, with one pigheaded/obstinate/resolute exception, I’ve learned to lean into grief. Let the waves of it wash over me, rather than fighting it, or sinking & drowning in it.

strategies to pause the rumination, ways to reduce the stress just so I can function for a little bit longer.

MINI-VERSIONS of the above. It’s easier to keep the lid on the box, when I give myself a few hours here, a few hours there, of reaping the whirlwind & finding my balance, again. I know durn well I’m just doing it to shove the lid back down, which means it’s going to hit me even harder (and take longer) once I take the lid all the way off… but it buys time.

So, quite frankly, does abusing bad coping mechanisms. Not a popular thing to mention, much less do, and it’s risky full stop. But? Needs must. IF the risk is worth it, to maintain for just a little bit longer. If it doesn’t all blow up in my face. Which it very well may. Hence the hardcore risk assessment.

My deepest condolences, and all the strength therein, to you.

 

[jaccat]

@Friday yes, my work would not be able to understand that. It reminds me of when, after my other brother J's death, I requested to take half of my bereavement time over the week of his inquest. When it actually came to it, three months later, they told me they didn't actually know if they could do that because of the length of time that has passed. It caused quite a bit of confusion. Even back then I was famous at work for not 'doing grief' properly.

I have taken my allocated bereavement time for N already, it was only two weeks. I did that to get logistics sorted, funeral etc., (it was me or his 21 year old son doing it and I wasn't allowing that). I also went sick two months later with the worst bout of fatigue I've ever had, which everyone agreed was my delayed reaction, then. I was off for two months. So as far as work are concerned I'm done now. I do have the option of taking more sick leave if things get too hard, and I'm keeping that in reserve if I do get to the point where I just can't cope.

Many of the memories that are coming up, I do cherish. Not so much the ugly stuff from last year. Not all of it was bad, even his last days in hospital had their precious moments. I just wish they didn't hurt so much.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm so sorry for your losses.


I've not experienced grief and loss like you have, so what helps me with ruminating may or may not work for you.
I have to tell myself 'i don't need to think about this' and remind myself my thoughts are my choice.
I try and distract myself into something I enjoy (which is challenging at times as I allow ruminating to persuade me out of doing things I enjoy).
When I tell myself to stop thinking about it - i'm trying to do that in a kind way rather than a blaming way. The ruminating is there for something, but it's holding me back now. so a 'thanks but no thanks'.

But also, you are going through so much. It makes sense your thoughts will be preoccupied with everything. Maybe carving out a bit of time here and there to say to the thoughts "we're just going to do this now and come back to you later". so you get a bit of a reprieve.

 

[Ecdysis]

There is literally a thing called "complicated grief" - it might be helpful checking it out.

I've been going through that too - it's nuts how difficult it is.

Also, there are forums dedicated to grieving like Grieving.com, Help for Coping with Loss Types: Child, Mother, Father, Wife, Husband, Mate, Pet, Friend, Sibling, Sister & Brother

Nora McInerny is a great resource too - Ted Talks, Blog posts and books.

 

[jaccat]

I wanted to thank everybody for their help with this. @Ecdysis I did look at Nora McInerny's site and got one of her books, which helped a little, so thanks.

I've ended up being signed off from work for now, I'm just too overwhelmed with memories and it's aggravating the fatigue I already suffer from. My gp called it extended grief, which as far as I can tell is another name for complicated grief. To me it's logical that I feel like this, but I get that it's not how most people experience loss.

My boss doesn't like it, but that's her problem.

The gp's looking into local resources for me. He struggled to find them just like I did, but says there must be some. I don't know whether I'll be up to following up on any of them. I want to, though. It feels odd when I've already got support from T, even though that's not why I see her.