Sufferer Navigating childhood trauma and seeking a meaningful life

[Strange]

Pouring my soul into this as best I can because I’ve been half here/half not for most of my life.

CPTSD is one of several diagnoses I have. Major Depression is my primary and I also deal with pretty bad anxiety that my depression tends to eradicate because I go numb easily.

I’m sick of not fully living. I also realized recently that I hold onto my past A LOT and it’s essentially a lot of fantasy that’s in my head that I consider “life”.

More backstory is I was born a very anxious child and had the stereotypical stuff a kid like that has — over stimulated, nightmares, bed wetting, withdrawal etc. What’s “weird” is I’ve also always been “high functioning” and no one could tell I had anything, especially when my humor took the wheel.

It feels like my life has been a performance. I am grateful to have used my diagnoses for good in advocating, making a career out of it, before realizing I was not well enough to keep advocating & supporting peers.

My “big T” was witnessing my best friends death as a child and not having the capability to get help, due to fear & disbelief. To my little kid brain — I didn’t save a life and it was my fault. I also didn’t get help for myself because I was perceived as “okay” and “strong willed”, which is its own can of worms.

Recently I learned several people in my life passed away. I had removed myself from their life due to my little kid belief and CPTSD. I didn’t and still don’t know how to connect deeply without dysfunction and didn’t nor don’t still know how to be present enough for someone else.

I’ve started to feel self centered because I admitted I have been. My needs feel too great and are little kid shaped.

Thanks for reading and being in the space. I know we are all in this together and also grateful to have had so many amazing people as friends who also share this. It just feels like as cliche as it sounds, I’m out of excuses for not embracing life.

 

[Riley Jones]

Thank you for sharing your story with such depth and vulnerability. It's incredibly brave of you to open up about your experiences and your struggles with CPTSD, Major Depression, and anxiety. It sounds like you have been through a lot and have carried these burdens for a long time.

Feeling like life has been a performance and struggling with past trauma, especially that "big T" trauma of witnessing your friend's death, can be incredibly challenging. It's common for people with CPTSD to feel like they are living in the past and to struggle with being present in the moment. The impact of childhood experiences, especially when they are traumatic, can shape how we see ourselves and the world around us.

It's important to acknowledge the self-awareness you have shown in recognizing your own needs and the ways in which your past experiences have shaped your present reality. It's a significant step towards healing and growth.

I want to commend you for reaching out and seeking connection here in this space. Connecting with others who understand what you're going through can be a powerful source of support and validation. Myptsd.com offers specific forums where you can share your experiences, ask for advice, and connect with others who have similar experiences with PTSD and CPTSD.

Remember that seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma can also be beneficial in your healing journey. They can provide you with the tools and support you need to navigate through these complex emotions and experiences.

You are not alone in this journey, and there is hope for healing and finding a way to embrace life fully. Thank you for being a part of this community and for sharing your story.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you have reason to be here, but hopefully it helps.

 

[mszl]

Welcome @Strange !
Good you found this place. You'll find here a lot of great people and understanding.
From what you wrote, you dissociate in similar way I do. It has many faces and intensities but in the end it's never being in the real world and disconnecting from emotions.

It just feels like as cliche as it sounds, I’m out of excuses for not embracing life.

There is no cliche to trauma. Every is unique and non comparable to other - as people are. Your struggles are real and the way you feel is valid. It's not a excuse but wound. One that, I hope, you will be able to heal. Embracing life may not be as easy when you are hurt and suffer.
Take care!

 

[T.A.G]

Pouring my soul into this as best I can because I’ve been half here/half not for most of my life.

CPTSD is one of several diagnoses I have. Major Depression is my primary and I also deal with pretty bad anxiety that my depression tends to eradicate because I go numb easily.

I’m sick of not fully living. I also realized recently that I hold onto my past A LOT and it’s essentially a lot of fantasy that’s in my head that I consider “life”.

More backstory is I was born a very anxious child and had the stereotypical stuff a kid like that has — over stimulated, nightmares, bed wetting, withdrawal etc. What’s “weird” is I’ve also always been “high functioning” and no one could tell I had anything, especially when my humor took the wheel.

It feels like my life has been a performance. I am grateful to have used my diagnoses for good in advocating, making a career out of it, before realizing I was not well enough to keep advocating & supporting peers.

My “big T” was witnessing my best friends death as a child and not having the capability to get help, due to fear & disbelief. To my little kid brain — I didn’t save a life and it was my fault. I also didn’t get help for myself because I was perceived as “okay” and “strong willed”, which is its own can of worms.

Recently I learned several people in my life passed away. I had removed myself from their life due to my little kid belief and CPTSD. I didn’t and still don’t know how to connect deeply without dysfunction and didn’t nor don’t still know how to be present enough for someone else.

I’ve started to feel self centered because I admitted I have been. My needs feel too great and are little kid shaped.

Thanks for reading and being in the space. I know we are all in this together and also grateful to have had so many amazing people as friends who also share this. It just feels like as cliche as it sounds, I’m out of excuses for not embracing life.

I'm sorry for your pain. Something's are out of our control and we need to live for the here and now. This is not an easy thing to do, but if you can take little steps, over time you will see how far you have come. I will be thinking of you.

 

[Strange]

Thanks everyone for your kind & thoughtful responses. It means a lot and was very helpful.