Relationship Navigating a Relationship During PTSD Challenges

[R.Coight]

I met her back in December of last year, we instantly we hit it off. We had a great first date and spent time with each other 2-3 times a week from then on. Over various times spent together she had revealed her battle with PTSD stemming from childhood and recent (over year and half ago) relationship trauma. I told her that I still cared for her and it didn’t change how I felt. That she could talk to me anytime about it and I would support her in any way I can.

It was all going really well until February when she suddenly became cold and distant. She revealed to me that she had a panic attack and it had really impacted her mental health, she felt like she had relapsed to the prior year when she had multiple panic attacks a day and needed some space. So we didn’t speak for a week at which point 7 days later she texts me and wanted to end things, after a conversation in person where I told her I really want to be with you and support you, but it is your choice to have me in your life. We ended up working through it and continuing the relationship.

Things were going well until late March when she tells me she feels completely overwhelmed and she needs space again. So over 2 weeks we text sparingly but don’t meet up in person to give her the space she needs. Over this time I did some extensive reading on PTSD to better understand what she was going through. After two weeks I text her that I think it would be good to chat in person and discuss how we are feeling, she agrees and we agree to meet that Wednesday night

This discussion on Wednesday was highly emotional for her, revealing more about what has happened in her past but also trying to explain how it is difficult for her to be in a relationship right now. At many points she breaks down crying, which really broke my heart to see this amazing women so hurt. She describes how she still loves and cares for me, but is struggling to balance her life, work and us.

Within this conversation I ask is there anything I can personally do to support her, or do differently to help with managing her ptsd. She says the way I have handled it was perfect, and she was very happy that I listened and accepted her requests, particularly for space without judgement or anxiety on my side. Describing what I had done as going above and beyond what is expected. After a few hours of talking and listening we decide that we will continue the relationship just at a slower pace and we agree to hang out Saturday

Come Saturday, everything had seemingly been going fine. as I am about to leave for her house she texts me that we need to end our relationship. She describes herself as not being in the right headspace and that it’s not fair on me that she can’t show up the way she wants to.

We end up talking in person, with the conversation floating between how she is feeling and what to do moving forward. I told her I want to support her and be here for her, but doing that as a friend would hurt me.
I told her if she ever felt completely alone or unsafe she could call or text anytime. I say this in particular because I know she has pushed away a lot of her friends last year.

The whole interaction felt strange, her affection and warmth for me were all there, cuddling and kissing, laughing, but our time together was ending.

Both her and I didn’t want to end the relationship, but it felt like she had reached a tipping point where she was retreating for her own mental health. She is such an amazing person with a beautiful heart, and I don’t want to lose her from my life. But I know that waiting for her to feel better isn’t good for my mental health, nor would it make her feel good if I was checking in periodically on her as I believe this would just add pressure to her recovery process. I told her if she ever feels like rekindling our relationship she could reach out, however moving forward I won’t reach out. It doesn’t feel like the end, but I have to treat it like it is

I know the above is a long post, I was hoping for some guidance and discussion. It feels like I made all the right choices and actions and it still didn’t work out. It has been hard to wrap my head around it, as she still has all these strong feelings for me, but doesn’t want to pursue them at this time. If anyone has experienced something similar it would be great to hear from you.

 

[Friday]

I know the above is a long post, I was hoping for some guidance and discussion. It feels like I made all the right choices and actions and it still didn’t work out. It has been hard to wrap my head around it, as she still has all these strong feelings for me, but doesn’t want to pursue them at this time. If anyone has experienced something similar it would be great to hear from you.

I’m usually wearing both hats, as someone who both has PTSD & loves people with PTSD.

Not speaking as a supporter, right now?

Most of my relationships ended this way when my PTSD was symptomatic the first time. More abruptly, in my case. I dated amaaaaaaazing people, as a baseline. In another life, another time? We might/could have lived a great life together. But? I wasn’t in a place to be able to. For various reasons. So I ended things. And I, personally, usually followed that up by leaving the country.

It never occurred to me NOT to date, or f*ck around, or make friends, the same way it didn’t occur to me NOT to buy airplane tickets, or eat lunch, or listen to music. When my PTSD was running hot? I was flying by the seat of my pants, operating almost entirely on instinct. I met someone? I liked them? I spent more time with them. Things progressed from there. Sometimes we’d be friends, or lovers, or aquaintences, or work together, or date, or, or, or.

It took -largely- recovering from my PTSD, getting married, getting divorced, & another PTSD symptom smackdown to change HOW I entered into / managed relationships.

Except for my marriage? (That actually was all his fault) My leaving relationships had to do entirely with me. With 2 notable exceptions, 1 of which being my marriage, NONE of the blokes I dated did anything wrong. They were amazing. I needed to leave because of ME. Because I wasn’t capable of being in a relationship at the level that our relationship had progressed to.

It’s not you, it’s me… is one of the most annoying things to hear at th end of a relationship -and usually a lie- but? When it’s PTSD, it’s almost always the exact truth.

 

[R.Coight]

I’m usually wearing both hats, as someone who both has PTSD & loves people with PTSD.

Not speaking as a supporter, right now?

Most of my relationships ended this way when my PTSD was symptomatic the first time. More abruptly, in my case. I dated amaaaaaaazing people, as a baseline. In another life, another time? We might/could have lived a great life together. But? I wasn’t in a place to be able to. For various reasons. So I ended things. And I, personally, usually followed that up by leaving the country.

It never occurred to me NOT to date, or f*ck around, or make friends, the same way it didn’t occur to me NOT to buy airplane tickets, or eat lunch, or listen to music. When my PTSD was running hot? I was flying by the seat of my pants, operating almost entirely on instinct. I met someone? I liked them? I spent more time with them. Things progressed from there. Sometimes we’d be friends, or lovers, or aquaintences, or work together, or date, or, or, or.

It took -largely- recovering from my PTSD, getting married, getting divorced, & another PTSD symptom smackdown to change HOW I entered into / managed relationships.

Except for my marriage? (That actually was all his fault) My leaving relationships had to do entirely with me. With 2 notable exceptions, 1 of which being my marriage, NONE of the blokes I dated did anything wrong. They were amazing. I needed to leave because of ME. Because I wasn’t capable of being in a relationship at the level that our relationship had progressed to.

It’s not you, it’s me… is one of the most annoying things to hear at th end of a relationship -and usually a lie- but? When it’s PTSD, it’s almost always the exact truth.

Thank you for the insight, it really helps and I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. Unfortunately for her all her past relationships, from what she has described, had resulted in very negative experiences which added to prior trauma. The words that really stuck in my head as we had these conversations about her mental health and our relationship was “I wish you would hate me”, to make it easier to break it off.

I’m not sure what will happen, but I really don’t want to lose her from my life. Which is the hardest part to grapple with at the moment

 

[sidptitala]

I don’t want to lose her from my life. But I know that waiting for her to feel better isn’t good for my mental health, nor would it make her feel good if I was checking in periodically on her as I believe this would just add pressure to her recovery process.

It feels like I made all the right choices and actions and it still didn’t work out. It has been hard to wrap my head around it, as she still has all these strong feelings for me, but doesn’t want to pursue them at this time. If anyone has experienced something similar it would be great to hear from you.

Is staying friends an option? If you both don't want to lose each other, to my mind it makes sense to try to stay in touch but tone down the intensity of how you relate to each other. For me personally, relationships can be triggering to PTSD because the stakes feel really high- and the way to handle that is trying to lower the stakes. You don't have to lose each other just because you can't be healthy for each other in a relationship at this moment in time.

I think the best thing you can do for her is lower the pressure to date you or lose you.