Death My mom killed someone when i was a little girl and

[Sadmama]

the body was buried in the backyard of the house we lived in, which was in the worst part of town. I think i was 6 or 7. Well i dont know if she was the one who did it because my memories are blurry. I remember she kept the head in our freezer. She locked the freezer. One day i opened it anyways, the key was nearby. I was sneaky and left alone a lot.

This along with CSA memories are becoming very difficult for me to carry around. I know i didnt do anything done to me, but i think i internalized it so much, i feel like i am the bad guy.

I wish i could tell my therapist how suicidal it is making me, without fear she will hospitalize me.

I wish i could be hospitalized, but i have responsibilities. People in poverty dont easily get to go get help without losing everything..

 

[whiteraven]

the body was buried in the backyard of the house we lived in, which was in the worst part of town. I think i was 6 or 7. Well i dont know if she was the one who did it because my memories are blurry. I remember she kept the head in our freezer. She locked the freezer. One day i opened it anyways, the key was nearby. I was sneaky and left alone a lot.

I'm very sorry you had to go through this. I had something similar. Have you talked about what happened with your therapist? It sounds like carrying this is contributing to your suicidal feelings and thoughts.

 

[Sadmama]

I'm very sorry you had to go through this. I had something similar. Have you talked about what happened with your therapist? It sounds like carrying this is contributing to your suicidal feelings and thoughts.

Thanks for replying. It feels good to relate to someone, but I’m so sorry you have experienced similar. I plan to talk to her about it ASAP, I have an appointment on Thursday, thank goodness. I’m having such a hard time with it.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I’m so sorry, I hope your therapist is understanding and can help make the weight feel less severe

 

[OM_™]

This along with CSA memories are becoming very difficult for me to carry around. I know i didnt do anything done to me, but i think i internalized it so much, i feel like i am the bad guy.

I have persistent CSA memories too, but this is next level. Please take care and it's good that you have reached out for support on this forum.

 

[Sadmama]

Well it sure is validating to hear it is next level. I feel a weight I carry around and it is the weight of death. I had agoraphobia when I was a teenager I clutched a self defense knife the entire time if I did leave the house. My mom would ask me “why???” When I’d telll her I was afraid of being hurt or killed. She prioritizes her innocence over admitting she knows what she did to me. I know she remembers. She has done more than just that in front of me that involves near death and violence. She is terrible.

 

[whiteraven]

I feel a weight I carry around and it is the weight of death.

I'm really impressed that you can talk about it even a little here. I don't talk about what happened when I was little. And thinking about it, it likely informed how I feel and think today about death.

Kudos to you for opening up!

 

[Sadmama]

Thank you. FWIW if I don’t talk about it I will explode. I have to get the memories out.