ErikSpokane
New Here
I am 57 years old and have Complex PTSD (CPTSD). Three years ago, I finally told my wife of 30 years that I suffer from depression. She asked me how I didn't realize it sooner, which made me reflect on my past and the nature of my struggles.
CPTSD often results from growing up with abusive parents who drain your energy to satisfy their own needs. When you leave that environment, the abuse continues internally. The voices in your head echo the negative things your parents said, telling you that you're worthless, untrustworthy, and unlovable. These thoughts create a constant cycle of self-depletion from the moment you wake up.
To cope with this emptiness, people with CPTSD might turn to drugs, extreme exercise, sex, pornography, alcohol, or other temporary fixes. They may also strive for perfection in various roles or engage in harmful behaviors like racism or political bashing to feel a fleeting sense of fullness.
I have a small fish pond in my backyard. To protect my fish from raccoons, I dug the pond three feet deep because raccoons won't enter water they can't walk into safely. However, in winter, the pond's water level drops, and raccoons searching for food can puncture the liner with their sharp claws. In spring, I have to patch the holes or keep refilling the pond.
This pond is a metaphor for my emotional state. A person without trauma wakes up each day with their emotional reservoir full, using some energy throughout the day but replenishing it by the next morning. Someone who has experienced abuse wakes up with their reservoir half-empty, constantly worried about leaks and struggling to keep their emotional "fish" alive. They're used to others taking from them, just as their parents did.
A depressed person might believe their half-full state is the best they can achieve, unaware that others don't live with constant depletion. The key to healing is identifying the sources of these leaks—the past traumas—and finding ways to repair or reduce them.
Understanding and addressing the causes of these emotional wounds can help those with CPTSD begin to heal and replenish their emotional reserves, moving towards a fuller, more stable life.
CPTSD often results from growing up with abusive parents who drain your energy to satisfy their own needs. When you leave that environment, the abuse continues internally. The voices in your head echo the negative things your parents said, telling you that you're worthless, untrustworthy, and unlovable. These thoughts create a constant cycle of self-depletion from the moment you wake up.
To cope with this emptiness, people with CPTSD might turn to drugs, extreme exercise, sex, pornography, alcohol, or other temporary fixes. They may also strive for perfection in various roles or engage in harmful behaviors like racism or political bashing to feel a fleeting sense of fullness.
I have a small fish pond in my backyard. To protect my fish from raccoons, I dug the pond three feet deep because raccoons won't enter water they can't walk into safely. However, in winter, the pond's water level drops, and raccoons searching for food can puncture the liner with their sharp claws. In spring, I have to patch the holes or keep refilling the pond.
This pond is a metaphor for my emotional state. A person without trauma wakes up each day with their emotional reservoir full, using some energy throughout the day but replenishing it by the next morning. Someone who has experienced abuse wakes up with their reservoir half-empty, constantly worried about leaks and struggling to keep their emotional "fish" alive. They're used to others taking from them, just as their parents did.
A depressed person might believe their half-full state is the best they can achieve, unaware that others don't live with constant depletion. The key to healing is identifying the sources of these leaks—the past traumas—and finding ways to repair or reduce them.
Understanding and addressing the causes of these emotional wounds can help those with CPTSD begin to heal and replenish their emotional reserves, moving towards a fuller, more stable life.
