I’m super tired right now and it’s good to both feel & say that because I am more in my body than ever before. A huge “yay” for that.
I’ve finished my first week of IOP, had the desire to leave after the first 5min on the first day, allowed that to pass and surprisingly (?) didn’t have that urge again. Speaking of urges — also very few to drink or use a substance after 13 days sober. While I’ve been on/off with alcohol for years, not having the urge to supplement with CBD/THC is huge for me. Also props to the program for legit not allowing CBD even without THC. That would be extreme or not possible for some folks, which is super valid, and under my circumstances— necessary.
This is all to say — my “new” emotions can be a little all over, mostly showing up as: anxiety, fear, shame and sadness. These are also the emotions I share with my father, and I’m coming out more as masc identifying non-binary.
I’ll save the psychological babble because I realize how much of it was actually just babble at this point in my life. I want to be free of labels, assumptions, as well as honor that for others too. I truly believe everyone changes every minute of the day (literally) and I’ve been in very dark places myself.
It’s just currently hard for me because I am letting go more of who I see my father as and honoring the impact his “ways” have on me. I don’t identify as an empath really *and* I feel my father’s anger via text messages. What’s rough is it’s always under the surface and I also feel a pull for me to support him emotionally & I just can’t. Maybe vice versa, who knows.
I’ve also acknowledged I just want some males in my life I can identify with. This sounds harsh and also reigns true for me — when I identified as a woman, part of me feels like I was “whoring myself” with men. Like my true self wanted them as a bro and I used my body/perceived identity as the time, as a way to use both parties. I am forgiving myself and actually as I type this, recalled some super intense thoughts I had this morning before work around “male rage” and what in *me* still needs work.
There’s a fear of working on other people’s rage at the cost of my own happiness and I also know I’m learning that focusing on myself only will do wonders, already started to.
Thanks for reading. I also feel a little shame around being an adult who is sharing like a teenager and “second adolescence” is a real thing.
I’ve finished my first week of IOP, had the desire to leave after the first 5min on the first day, allowed that to pass and surprisingly (?) didn’t have that urge again. Speaking of urges — also very few to drink or use a substance after 13 days sober. While I’ve been on/off with alcohol for years, not having the urge to supplement with CBD/THC is huge for me. Also props to the program for legit not allowing CBD even without THC. That would be extreme or not possible for some folks, which is super valid, and under my circumstances— necessary.
This is all to say — my “new” emotions can be a little all over, mostly showing up as: anxiety, fear, shame and sadness. These are also the emotions I share with my father, and I’m coming out more as masc identifying non-binary.
I’ll save the psychological babble because I realize how much of it was actually just babble at this point in my life. I want to be free of labels, assumptions, as well as honor that for others too. I truly believe everyone changes every minute of the day (literally) and I’ve been in very dark places myself.
It’s just currently hard for me because I am letting go more of who I see my father as and honoring the impact his “ways” have on me. I don’t identify as an empath really *and* I feel my father’s anger via text messages. What’s rough is it’s always under the surface and I also feel a pull for me to support him emotionally & I just can’t. Maybe vice versa, who knows.
I’ve also acknowledged I just want some males in my life I can identify with. This sounds harsh and also reigns true for me — when I identified as a woman, part of me feels like I was “whoring myself” with men. Like my true self wanted them as a bro and I used my body/perceived identity as the time, as a way to use both parties. I am forgiving myself and actually as I type this, recalled some super intense thoughts I had this morning before work around “male rage” and what in *me* still needs work.
There’s a fear of working on other people’s rage at the cost of my own happiness and I also know I’m learning that focusing on myself only will do wonders, already started to.
Thanks for reading. I also feel a little shame around being an adult who is sharing like a teenager and “second adolescence” is a real thing.
