mmarie68516
New Here
This is mostly for myself to feel like I can get things off my chest by posting this publicly. I don't feel comfortable talking about things with people close to me. Sorry if this is too detailed or dark for this forum. I'll delete if needed.
Backstory...
When I was very young, I was boy crazy and felt exposed to things that were not normal for a young child. I realized late into my teen years that the things I was exposed to were not normal, but I chalked it up to "every child matures at different paces. Again in my teen years, I found myself in situations with boys that I knew I wasn't comfortable with, but I liked the feeling of being wanted or valuable by a boy, even if it was purely physical for them. I then got involved in a scenario where I was taken advantage of but I didn't run in the moment. I just waited until it was over and a few days later, when something else happened with this same person, I broke down, realizing that he was abusing me and taking advantage of me.
Because of the delayed response, and how cool I played it until it happened again, I feel guilt. Like, did I want it? He and the other boys were older and I was a minor. But I had liked boy's attention up until this point. I felt guilty, like I should be ashamed of what I chose, but other therapists and people town me that I was taken advantage of and felt outnumbered, so I didn't stop it. I just accepted it.
It's been nearly 7 years since all of that happened. My parents seem to have forgotten, saying the r word, which I still can't type or say to anyone but my best friend to this day. They say it like it's no big deal. My mom uses it in sentences to for a joke. My stomach sinks from fear that she will remember the scenario. But most of all, it hurts because she was the one screaming at me, asking me if I liked it, if I'm some whore. When I would forget to lock the door to the house, she would yell at me asking "do you WANT to get r-worded?". Like what. is. wrong. with. her.
My dad handled it with avoidance. I don't think we spoke for a whole week after the incident.
Getting to the point...
Like I said it's been nearly 7 years. This is the first time I've written or thought about the whole scenario fully. But after a memory that resurfaced yesterday (atleast I think it's a real memory), I feel sick but also, a bit relieved, like all of my problems were deep rooted in something that happened to me very young, that I couldn't understand and definitely didn't want.
I watched the movie SPLIT last night and the movie references abuse towards children ( I feel too sick to even type what kind of abuse, but you can guess). I've always had this distant memory, but I thought it was a dream until a graphic scene in the movie. Suddenly the memory was more vivid than ever. It was a memory of myself as a very young child, at a sleepover. The memory has always been that I remember being touched by what I thought I remembered being the other child my same age whom I was there to hang out with. But more started coming to the surface as the movie went on. I remembered a tall male silhouette that I woke up to see standing on the stairs, staring at us two children sleeping on the floor of the living room. Today I remembered seeing this, feeling scared and then remembering to be asleep and not hearing the footsteps of someone going back upstairs. Then I remembered, vaguely, what the house looked like, then what the friend looked like. And then, the happiness and weirdness I felt when my mom picked me up.
Because the slight memory has been there all along, and I believed it was a dream, I struggle to differentiate if this was real or not. I can almost remember the weird feeling of the incident happening. But it's the blurred lines and missing information that I'm confused about. I thought it was the girl all along, but what did the male silhouette have to do with all of this? I don't remember anything after the moments it started happening like when it stopped, if I just went back to sleep. I'm so confused and I feel disgusted but also crazy, like maybe I'm imagining it all because of my past.
I wanted clarity and to find some facts to prove if I was right or wrong. I remembered her first name because we had the same name. We lived in an extremely small town so it wasn't hard to find pictures of her. And then her family, and there was one familiar build that seemed to line up with the silhouette memory, but it's been so long, I wouldn't bet a single dollar that it was him. Nobody could be sure.
I had a similar memory/maybe dream experience in my teen years before the incident with the older boys. I awoke in the middle of the night to a male silhouette. Too tall to be my dad, and it was standing in my doorway just looking at me in bed. I slept often on top of the covers with out shorts and underwear or only underwear. I have never ever slept naked. Never as a child, teen or adult. it just isn't cozy to me. When I looked up, coming out of my sleep, gently but quickly, the silhouette shut the door and I went back to sleep. The next morning, I woke up without underwear on. This detail is one that I hate to admit because it scares and confuses me and clashes with all other memories I have of my dad. That night I was sleeping at my dad's house. My parents are separated, my dad never had any friends over, or many friends at all, and my mom lived in another house on the other side of town. If this wasn't a dream, there are only two explanations: someone broke in, or it was my dad staring at me. And why was my underwear off when I woke up? I felt confused waking up to this but brushed it off.
Are these just dreams I'm remembering?? Are these details that slowly bubble to the surface common for victims who suppressed their memories and it was real? I want answers but my nature instincts whenever I remember my teen year traumas is to just repeat no. no. no. no. no. in my mind until the thoughts are drowned out.
This is my first effort to think things through and try to get some answers by remembering.
Backstory...
When I was very young, I was boy crazy and felt exposed to things that were not normal for a young child. I realized late into my teen years that the things I was exposed to were not normal, but I chalked it up to "every child matures at different paces. Again in my teen years, I found myself in situations with boys that I knew I wasn't comfortable with, but I liked the feeling of being wanted or valuable by a boy, even if it was purely physical for them. I then got involved in a scenario where I was taken advantage of but I didn't run in the moment. I just waited until it was over and a few days later, when something else happened with this same person, I broke down, realizing that he was abusing me and taking advantage of me.
Because of the delayed response, and how cool I played it until it happened again, I feel guilt. Like, did I want it? He and the other boys were older and I was a minor. But I had liked boy's attention up until this point. I felt guilty, like I should be ashamed of what I chose, but other therapists and people town me that I was taken advantage of and felt outnumbered, so I didn't stop it. I just accepted it.
It's been nearly 7 years since all of that happened. My parents seem to have forgotten, saying the r word, which I still can't type or say to anyone but my best friend to this day. They say it like it's no big deal. My mom uses it in sentences to for a joke. My stomach sinks from fear that she will remember the scenario. But most of all, it hurts because she was the one screaming at me, asking me if I liked it, if I'm some whore. When I would forget to lock the door to the house, she would yell at me asking "do you WANT to get r-worded?". Like what. is. wrong. with. her.
My dad handled it with avoidance. I don't think we spoke for a whole week after the incident.
Getting to the point...
Like I said it's been nearly 7 years. This is the first time I've written or thought about the whole scenario fully. But after a memory that resurfaced yesterday (atleast I think it's a real memory), I feel sick but also, a bit relieved, like all of my problems were deep rooted in something that happened to me very young, that I couldn't understand and definitely didn't want.
I watched the movie SPLIT last night and the movie references abuse towards children ( I feel too sick to even type what kind of abuse, but you can guess). I've always had this distant memory, but I thought it was a dream until a graphic scene in the movie. Suddenly the memory was more vivid than ever. It was a memory of myself as a very young child, at a sleepover. The memory has always been that I remember being touched by what I thought I remembered being the other child my same age whom I was there to hang out with. But more started coming to the surface as the movie went on. I remembered a tall male silhouette that I woke up to see standing on the stairs, staring at us two children sleeping on the floor of the living room. Today I remembered seeing this, feeling scared and then remembering to be asleep and not hearing the footsteps of someone going back upstairs. Then I remembered, vaguely, what the house looked like, then what the friend looked like. And then, the happiness and weirdness I felt when my mom picked me up.
Because the slight memory has been there all along, and I believed it was a dream, I struggle to differentiate if this was real or not. I can almost remember the weird feeling of the incident happening. But it's the blurred lines and missing information that I'm confused about. I thought it was the girl all along, but what did the male silhouette have to do with all of this? I don't remember anything after the moments it started happening like when it stopped, if I just went back to sleep. I'm so confused and I feel disgusted but also crazy, like maybe I'm imagining it all because of my past.
I wanted clarity and to find some facts to prove if I was right or wrong. I remembered her first name because we had the same name. We lived in an extremely small town so it wasn't hard to find pictures of her. And then her family, and there was one familiar build that seemed to line up with the silhouette memory, but it's been so long, I wouldn't bet a single dollar that it was him. Nobody could be sure.
I had a similar memory/maybe dream experience in my teen years before the incident with the older boys. I awoke in the middle of the night to a male silhouette. Too tall to be my dad, and it was standing in my doorway just looking at me in bed. I slept often on top of the covers with out shorts and underwear or only underwear. I have never ever slept naked. Never as a child, teen or adult. it just isn't cozy to me. When I looked up, coming out of my sleep, gently but quickly, the silhouette shut the door and I went back to sleep. The next morning, I woke up without underwear on. This detail is one that I hate to admit because it scares and confuses me and clashes with all other memories I have of my dad. That night I was sleeping at my dad's house. My parents are separated, my dad never had any friends over, or many friends at all, and my mom lived in another house on the other side of town. If this wasn't a dream, there are only two explanations: someone broke in, or it was my dad staring at me. And why was my underwear off when I woke up? I felt confused waking up to this but brushed it off.
Are these just dreams I'm remembering?? Are these details that slowly bubble to the surface common for victims who suppressed their memories and it was real? I want answers but my nature instincts whenever I remember my teen year traumas is to just repeat no. no. no. no. no. in my mind until the thoughts are drowned out.
This is my first effort to think things through and try to get some answers by remembering.
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