Relationship Frustrated Today

[Anon1]

I think this rant will be a bit selfish, because I know that CPTSD is harder for my ex than anyone, but I feel that I gave up so much to try to get to know them better (I actually did too - I had to move pretty far and my work took quite a hit, etc).

That‘s on me, and I take responsibility.

But they never believed that I was committed to them, and they always felt that I was too casual.

I moved city for them… we spent every day together. It was TOO much really. Too much too soon. But if that isn’t showing commitment and interest, like... what else can I do?

And then we had a lovely conversation recently, we Really seemed like we were levelling out, and I even thought there was a chance that we could maybe try again.

But then they just disappeared on me, and went from being really warm and lovely to being kinda… ‘polite but disconnected’.

And it bugs me, because I really like them, and I feel like they keep disappearing because they don’t think that I do.

But if they could just chill a bit, even just a BIT, and be more level…I‘d feel safe enough to explore it again, but I feel that they’re not meeting me anywhere near the middle.

They kept telling me that they wanted me to pursue them (after I’d moved to be with them…!!), but they didn’t seem able to see that I also had to feel safe to do that; and when they’re swearing like a trooper, and pushing me away, and being sarcastic, and being a bit passive aggressive, and making lots of demands, and being clingy-then-distant-then-clingy-then-distant…. They don’t see how that kind of makes it irresponsible of me if I DO pursue them at all costs. Because neither of us would be safe in that dynamic.

It just hurts and annoys me so much that they can’t just *see it!*

Because I really like them, and I want to try, I just dont want to have my heart torn out by someone who isn’t able to safely hold it.

And then they’re lovely with so many other people, so they can do it…

Im sorry, I know it’s harder for them than me by an absolute country mile, I just wish they’d let me love them; and I wish they’d love me (as a verb, not just a feeling).

Last time I saw them, they wanted to kiss me and I didnt let it happen because we hadn’t sorted much out.

So there must be interest there, but it’s so extreme - it’s either like “marry me now, or I’ll just kinda brush you off and withdraw.”.

I’m frustrated, but it’s just because.… I can SEE how it could all be so lovely, and I just feel like they won’t let it happen.

And then I feel like I have to convince them, but I can’t because then it’s not really coming from them, and half of this does sorta have to or else I’ll always be fighting against the tide.

It’s really tough, and I hate it.

 

[Friday]

Frustration is completely warranted.

I’m frustrated, but it’s just because.… I can SEE how it could all be so lovely, and I just feel like they won’t let it happen.

Are you okay with it always being this way? The PTSD-Tango is something some people thrive on, but a lot of people only flourish on one side or the other; Carpe Diem where the intensity is always seized, or White Knight coming to the rescue when things are hard/broken/damaged, and the fact that the person fluctuates between both realities? Is impossible, untrustworthy, unf*ckingsat.

I’ve dated a lot of people with PTSD. Most of them? I get on with all 3 sides of that… I know, I said 2, but there’s also that pause point where it’s neither extreme but kind of, waiting? Can last for seconds or months/years but the extremes? Always show up. Just because it’s Tuesday, or in the right/wrong circumstance… But I’ve KNOWN far far faaaaaaar more people with PTSD that I only “get on with” 1 side of that prism. And the others? Can f*ck right off.

Even the ones I get on with all 3 sides? Are going to frustrate the hell out of me if MY circumstances aren’t cheerfully handling them.

IE It’s OKAY to have a bad f*cking day/week/whatever. That happens. And has zip zero zilch to do with them.., unless they’re an asshole to you for ALSO having a bad run. Then? That can also f*ck right off. But assuming not?

You’ve moved cities.

How is YOUR life going in this new place?

New friends? Favorite cafe/pub/place to see the stars? Kickass barista, killer neighbors, badass play-place (passions/hobbies are important), dream job or stepping stone to one? How is YOUR life in this new city? Would you stay if she sailed for Antartica?

 

[Anon1]

Thanks for the reply!

Jeez, I just don't know how you do it with those 'three sides' that you mentioned.

It's just... you make yourself vulnerable to your partner, and then they're up and down to the point where it can really hurt. Because you're trusting them, but then they just... leave... and you look like the bad guy if you can't stand it.

Or sometimes they'll do the opposite and crash in on you like a wave, and kind of overwhelm all of your boundaries before you've had a chance to put them up. And if you pull away even a hairsbreadth... again... you look like the one who's getting it all wrong.

I feel like I could give it one more try though, because I think I've learned a lot boundaries. I'll tell them I like them, I'll show it and be committed, but they have to have a base level stability for it to be a mutual relationship.

I'm in their city now because I study here every few weeks, but I moved back to my own one after the break up so I could get my head screwed back on.

I'm just deciding whether to move back over for the course, or to stay away.

I like it here though, I just don't want to be stuck here missing them.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Im sorry, I know it’s harder for them than me by an absolute country mile,

Don’t let that thought become an excuse for every kind of behavior. If they’re being clingy, distant, needy, demanding, not seeing everything you have done for them, etc, then you are still allowed to be mad or irritated with them for not treating you right. Yes, even if they have PTSD.

 

[Anon1]

Don’t let that thought become an excuse for every kind of behavior. If they’re being clingy, distant, needy, demanding, not seeing everything you have done for them, etc, then you are still allowed to be mad or irritated with them for not treating you right. Yes, even if they have PTSD.

Yeah, that's helpful.

Okay - that's true.

And my immediate response is like
"If they've behaved as they have, and I'm actually holding them accountable, then I have to let them go."
Because it's been ridiculous.
I've put up with so much, and they've been angry or upset with me for things which are like... "???".

They've joked(?) that they'd beat me up if I did "x y and z", which I think was a metaphor (as in "I'd be real mad at you if you did x y and z"), but I didn't like it. They've done all kinds of angry or over-the-top emotional things.

And then they've been upset with me for things which feel controlling and trivial.

And I still blame no one but myself for having weak boundaries, and that's what I beat myself up about, while I give them a pass back into my life because of their trauma.

My overriding strategy was "They're already snowed under by so much shame, that I won't shame them further, and even if this is a stepping stone relationship for them, at least it'll be helpful to them. And it might work out for us anyway."

But that's just left me feeling like they might not even respect me that much (which is sorta annoying, because it'd sure be nice if they could see how many times I've bitten my tongue, to try and treat them gently and carefully).

Maybe it's too late for us now, but it's not too late for me to get a little tougher, and to behave in a way that I can live with myself for (ie - maybe I don't keep looking for ways to 'fix' this now, maybe they have to show me that they're serious, or else I just move on)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Maybe it's too late for us now, but it's not too late for me to get a little tougher, and to behave in a way that I can live with myself for

That’s probably the healthiest thing you can do.

 

[Anon1]

That’s probably the healthiest thing you can do.

Mhmm :)

I just wish it was easier.

I wish it didn’t feel so visceral, and that it didn‘t feel like “I could fix it if…”

It feels so close, but so far.

*sigh* I don’t know. I suppose it’s just about moving forwards, even though I have to idea how I’ll do it!

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

It just hurts and annoys me so much that they can’t just *see it!*

THIS!

Yes, even if they have PTSD.

Hi @Sweetpea76 ! Love your name BTW.
Thanks for this insight because some of us leave such a wide berth( on their request) as an act of love for our sufferers -and compassion, grace and patience. As a supporter I tend to rationalise ( like @Anon1 )make up "stories " (clinical speak )in my head and once worried my self sick that he had self harmed! Well the silence is deafening- and the one conclusion I could think of was that.