P
please-advise739
Hi, I'm a teenager, and I have PTSD from multiple occurrences of CSA (cousin at around 3, friend's dad at 4/5, other things throughout adolescence). Lately, I've been dealing with some very inappropriate thoughts about my father. (Also, they aren't intrusive. I know what intrusive thoughts feel like, and this is different. I don't push them out of my mind, and it almost feels like a part of me enjoys them.) I think it is related to my PTSD somehow. I also feel it may be in part due to my father's behavior.
For the past few years, since I've become a teenager, I feel that my father has been blurring the boundaries of our father-daughter relationship. Like, I feel like he kind of treats me in the way that a person would treat a... partner, almost? Like, in terms of the forms of his physical affection (sneaking up behind me and putting his arms around me and speaking in my ear, giving me random back massages and scratches and then slowly moving his hand down towards my pants, and he'll even moan/groan/grunt when he hugs me very tightly), the manner in which we would cuddle in his bed for hours, the suggestive jokes he makes sometimes towards me, the way he will vent to me as if I'm his equal, the fact that he asked me to sleep in his bed with him when my mom was away on vacation, etc. I don't think he really has sexual intentions; I just think he has inappropriate ideas of boundaries due to his own trauma, and that this may be contributing to my confusion and my thoughts about him.
What do I do about these thoughts? I feel so lost and confused and kind of scared of my own mind at this point. These thoughts, and more so the weird tension between me and my father, are making me feel really disturbed and uncomfortable, especially in light of my past experiences that are unrelated to him.
For the past few years, since I've become a teenager, I feel that my father has been blurring the boundaries of our father-daughter relationship. Like, I feel like he kind of treats me in the way that a person would treat a... partner, almost? Like, in terms of the forms of his physical affection (sneaking up behind me and putting his arms around me and speaking in my ear, giving me random back massages and scratches and then slowly moving his hand down towards my pants, and he'll even moan/groan/grunt when he hugs me very tightly), the manner in which we would cuddle in his bed for hours, the suggestive jokes he makes sometimes towards me, the way he will vent to me as if I'm his equal, the fact that he asked me to sleep in his bed with him when my mom was away on vacation, etc. I don't think he really has sexual intentions; I just think he has inappropriate ideas of boundaries due to his own trauma, and that this may be contributing to my confusion and my thoughts about him.
What do I do about these thoughts? I feel so lost and confused and kind of scared of my own mind at this point. These thoughts, and more so the weird tension between me and my father, are making me feel really disturbed and uncomfortable, especially in light of my past experiences that are unrelated to him.
