Dark.Green.Feathers
Confident
I keep thinking in-depth about being sexually abused/raped by men. And I feel like I’m on the edge of a nuclear meltdown.
I can’t tell if it’s desired to validate how bad I feel or punish how bad I feel. Or both.
Been feeling so bad recently. No idea why, but it’s all coming down at once.
No urge to self harm but to somehow force it all to be rewritten in a different way so it can somehow feel better than it does now. If the abuse was just different. Which is stupid.
I contacted a helpline chatroom yesterday. Something I never thought I would do. Contacted two others the night before but they were no good. Just to talk, text, about it. I feel like a boiling pot with the lid stuck on.
I want to feel the satisfaction of being completely destroyed. And I want to suffer the abuse all over again to prove to myself it was real and worthy of still suffering over. And I want to be rid of everything so I’m not stuck in my head with a bad feeling in my chest all day.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. All this meaningless confusion.
I’ve showered twice this past month.
I can’t tell if it’s desired to validate how bad I feel or punish how bad I feel. Or both.
Been feeling so bad recently. No idea why, but it’s all coming down at once.
No urge to self harm but to somehow force it all to be rewritten in a different way so it can somehow feel better than it does now. If the abuse was just different. Which is stupid.
I contacted a helpline chatroom yesterday. Something I never thought I would do. Contacted two others the night before but they were no good. Just to talk, text, about it. I feel like a boiling pot with the lid stuck on.
I want to feel the satisfaction of being completely destroyed. And I want to suffer the abuse all over again to prove to myself it was real and worthy of still suffering over. And I want to be rid of everything so I’m not stuck in my head with a bad feeling in my chest all day.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. All this meaningless confusion.
I’ve showered twice this past month.