??? - Breakdown Imminent?

I keep thinking in-depth about being sexually abused/raped by men. And I feel like I’m on the edge of a nuclear meltdown.

I can’t tell if it’s desired to validate how bad I feel or punish how bad I feel. Or both.

Been feeling so bad recently. No idea why, but it’s all coming down at once.
No urge to self harm but to somehow force it all to be rewritten in a different way so it can somehow feel better than it does now. If the abuse was just different. Which is stupid.

I contacted a helpline chatroom yesterday. Something I never thought I would do. Contacted two others the night before but they were no good. Just to talk, text, about it. I feel like a boiling pot with the lid stuck on.

I want to feel the satisfaction of being completely destroyed. And I want to suffer the abuse all over again to prove to myself it was real and worthy of still suffering over. And I want to be rid of everything so I’m not stuck in my head with a bad feeling in my chest all day.

I don’t know what’s happening to me. All this meaningless confusion.
I’ve showered twice this past month.

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

I want to be rid of everything so I’m not stuck in my head with a bad feeling in my chest all day.

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There’s no amount of repetition of it that will bring closure (from someone who has had a red hot go). The trauma you went through will still be there, and it will still require healing.

It will hurt less with time.

In the meantime, as painful as it is, and as much as it feels like the opposite of what you need right now…what would happen if you did the opposite to what your brain is telling you and, for example, you allowed yourself to shower?

Some grounding techniques might really help.

Things that helped me:
Thought stopping. Telling myself "I don't need to think about that right now". Or something along those lines that gave me permission to focus on something else.

Writing a brief outline or worry in a book and closing the book and leaving it there. Again telling myself I don't need to think about that, I will leave that thought in that notebook, and now go and do what I want to do.

And baby steps. Like @Sideways says, what if you tell yourself you deserve to feel clean, so maybe have a shower if that's what you want to do. Or make a plan or agreement with yourself that you will do one small act of self care a day. Whether that is brushing teeth, or washing clothes, or washing yourself, or making food, or washing a plate etc etc etc.

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

I can’t tell if it’s desired to validate how bad I feel or punish how bad I feel. Or both.

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more and more, i believe that feelings are neither valid nor invalid. they just are, whether based on accurate or inaccurate information. punishing myself for how i feel has yet to help. the more erroneous the feeling, the more true this appears to be in my own case. my social anxiety can obsess endlessly over a mistaken impression from a social event. when i validate the emotions based on mistaken impressions, it is far easier to identify and work out the mistakes. i'm not some broken wretch. i am merely a human who made a merely human mistake. how harshly should i punish myself for being human?

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

I contacted a helpline chatroom yesterday. Something I never thought I would do. Contacted two others the night before but they were no good. Just to talk, text, about it. I feel like a boiling pot with the lid stuck on.

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i love the analogy of a boiling pot with the lid stuck on. i call my own mental illness, "a psycho cauldron." it is as easy as falling off a log to visualize my pre-therapy condition as a boiling pot with the lid stuck on. the lid was loosened greatly when i became willing to do some of those things i thought i would never do. i was able to get the lid off the pot as i discovered tools which work for me off that list of things i thought i would never do. to this day, i never know what will boil out of my psycho cauldron, but at least i am better able to stir the pot and prevent it from boiling over onto my proverbial stove top.

but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you find what works for you.

It sounds like you are feeling really, really overwhelmed. I've been there, more times than I want to admit.

What has always helped me is a narrowing of focus. No need to contemplate the rest of time when you are feeling this overwhelmed. How about the next hour? Or just the next twenty minutes? And no need for massive changes. Just little ones. Maybe showering is too much, but you can wash your face? Or if making a meal is too hard, what about a snack? Slow and steady wins the race. Reaching out to help lines is a good step, and maybe you have an in-real-life human to reach out to next? a friend, neighbor, therapist?

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

I keep thinking in-depth about being sexually abused/raped by men. And I feel like I’m on the edge of a nuclear meltdown.

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As I recall, your abuse was by a woman, right? I know my mind does this thing where it will up the anti of the bad things that have happened. It’s like it knows what will trigger me and will choose to show me those exact things.

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

I can’t tell if it’s desired to validate how bad I feel or punish how bad I feel. Or both.

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You don’t have to do either. As @arfie said, you can simply combat it. In the case of those thoughts, you can say that did not happen. “I wasn’t raped by a man and the likelihood of that happening in the present is very low. It would have to be a freak thing.” You can challenge the thoughts instead of the emotions. This can be hard when the emotions are so intense but I find taking deep breathes and connecting with my surroundings can help to provide a small bit of respite, so I can start to think about the thoughts and whether they are logical.

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

Been feeling so bad recently. No idea why, but it’s all coming down at once.

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I’ve noticed that I feel really bad when I don’t feel good about myself. Maybe try exploring what you think and feel about yourself. You can challenge any self-defeating beliefs. It’ll help change how you feel too.

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

I want to feel the satisfaction of being completely destroyed. And I want to suffer the abuse all over again to prove to myself it was real and worthy of still suffering over. And I want to be rid of everything so I’m not stuck in my head with a bad feeling in my chest all day.

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I’ve been there. It’s not worth suffering over but it was a big deal. It wasn’t a small thing what happened and it should be treated with the seriousness that it deserves, but you don’t have to suffer because of it. The times I thought about repeating situations and went ahead with it, I wanted to prove to myself that I could be stronger and handle it better this time around. I was just being overly critical of myself and retraumatizing myself as a result. The strength needed to overcome the trauma comes through challenging erroneous beliefs, calming overreactions, building self-esteem, etc. The need to prove yourself is a sign at least to me of needing to build your self-esteem. You wouldn’t feel the need to prove anything if you knew you were already capable and not deserving of retraumatizing yourself.

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

I’ve showered twice this past month.

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Been there too. Someone here mentioned in a post having wipes or doing a sponge bath. I don’t know if you’ve been doing these things but when my mind and body feel too painful to go through a shower, I have wipes and/or a hypochlorite acid spray I use. I feel cleaner and it definitely helps to not have to worry about smelling or being itchy, which will make me feel worse about myself. If you haven’t already, maybe you can try something like that.

BuildingSelf24 said:

As I recall, your abuse was by a woman, right? I know my mind does this thing where it will up the anti of the bad things that have happened, making them worse than they were

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BuildingSelf24 said:

. “I wasn’t raped by a man and the likelihood of that is very low. It would have to be a freak thing.

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Are you implying that abuse by a woman isn't as bad as abuse by a man?
Abuse is abuse.

BuildingSelf24 said:

“I wasn’t raped by a man and the likelihood of that is very low. It would have to be a freak thing.”

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We are slowly learning that men being raped by women is NOT a freak thing at all, but actually much more commonplace than we ever thought. Look up work by Lara Stemple.

Let's not give advice that is wrong, even to try to make someone feel better.

@Dark.Green.Feathers, I'm sorry you're suffering so much. It's a truism that once the box is opened, we feel a lot worse before we feel better. But eventually we do feel better.

What happened to you was not your fault in any way, shape, or form. You don't have to prove to yourself, or to us, that it happened and that it was terrible - we believe you.

I can't remember if you have a therapist or not. You might want to try talking to someone in your real life about what happened to you - someone who will believe and support you. This is a very heavy burden to carry alone.

Movingforward10 said:

Are you implying that abuse by a woman isn't as bad as abuse by a man?
Abuse is abuse.

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Not what I’m saying. I just remembered in previous posts that @Dark.Green.Feathers mentioned other times where he had thoughts of being assaulted again but it wasn’t the perp but other people. I was just trying to say the possibility of the assault happening again is low and the probability of it being a man low since I recalled he was staying with family he trusted. Not saying abuse by a woman is somehow worse than by a man, but that the brain will come up will situations that will make us feel worse and trigger us more.

somerandomguy said:

We are slowly learning that men being raped by women is NOT a freak thing at all, but actually much more commonplace than we ever thought.

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I wasn’t saying that the probability of what happened to him was a freak thing. I was saying the probability of it happening again would be a freak thing.

Maybe I should edit my post. Maybe my language wasn’t clear enough.

Ah sorry @BuildingSelf24 , I misunderstood.

BuildingSelf24 said:

Maybe I should edit my post. Maybe my language wasn’t clear enough.

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Yeah, the fact that two of us misunderstood definitely means you could have been clearer, but thanks for clarifying.

I did not expect such a big response, thank you all. it's appreciated.
I will try to not clutter this

Sideways said:

There’s no amount of repetition of it that will bring closure (from someone who has had a red hot go). The trauma you went through will still be there, and it will still require healing.

It will hurt less with time.

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arfie said:

more and more, i believe that feelings are neither valid nor invalid. they just are, whether based on accurate or inaccurate information. punishing myself for how i feel has yet to help. the more erroneous the feeling, the more true this appears to be in my own case.

Click to expand...

BuildingSelf24 said:

The times I thought about repeating situations and went ahead with it, I wanted to prove to myself that I could be stronger and handle it better this time around. I was just being overly critical of myself and retraumatizing myself as a result.

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I'm sorry the belief has hurt you more. You're all right though, I'm turning on myself trying to achieve something impossible. More/different abuse and distress just feels as if it will fit neater into the box to put it away. Which it won't. I think I'm full of it so anything other than what I actually experienced will "make more sense". Line my emotional and lived experience up correctly. It would be cruel to treat someone else of the same trauma like this, but for me the distortion makes sense.

arfie said:

i'm not some broken wretch. i am merely a human who made a merely human mistake. how harshly should i punish myself for being human?

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I like this

BuildingSelf24 said:

As I recall, your abuse was by a woman, right? I know my mind does this thing where it will up the anti of the bad things that have happened. It’s like it knows what will trigger me and will choose to show me those exact things.

In the case of those thoughts, you can say that did not happen. “I wasn’t raped by a man and the likelihood of that happening in the present is very low. It would have to be a freak thing.” You can challenge the thoughts instead of the emotions.

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Not a fear but a "want", diary excerpts for additional context
I also think about my abuser hurting me significantly sometimes, but thinking about someone else doing it makes me feel more deranged. Hence mentioning it.

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

generally the sexual abuse wasn't painful, my distortion is that it only counts (For Me) if it hurts. Physically.

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Dark.Green.Feathers said:

It's an obstacle I keep falling over. I don't think I care for myself unless it's a tangible wound. Otherwise I don't tend to it,

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But yes, she was a woman. Thankfully my relationship with men is mostly intact fear wise, but platonic intimacy with anyone is difficult. And everyone is frightening when I'm venerable. I need to be fully, fully conscious and clothed. Struggling this summer because ditching long sleeved hoodie is so difficult.

Movingforward10 said:

Writing a brief outline or worry in a book and closing the book and leaving it there. Again telling myself I don't need to think about that, I will leave that thought in that notebook, and now go and do what I want to do.

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I think I'll use this idea, thank you. To stop it festering. In my online journal because I don't want a psycical copy at home.

Movingforward10 said:

And baby steps. Like @Sideways says, what if you tell yourself you deserve to feel clean, so maybe have a shower if that's what you want to do. Or make a plan or agreement with yourself that you will do one small act of self care a day. Whether that is brushing teeth, or washing clothes, or washing yourself, or making food, or washing a plate etc etc etc.

Click to expand...

Sideways said:

what would happen if you did the opposite to what your brain is telling you and, for example, you allowed yourself to shower?

Click to expand...

RainbowSearchParty said:

And no need for massive changes. Just little ones. Maybe showering is too much, but you can wash your face? Or if making a meal is too hard, what about a snack? Slow and steady wins the race.

Click to expand...

BuildingSelf24 said:

Someone here mentioned in a post having wipes or doing a sponge bath. I don’t know if you’ve been doing these things but when my mind and body feel too painful to go through a shower, I have wipes and/or a hypochlorite acid spray I use. I feel cleaner and it definitely helps to not have to worry about smelling or being itchy, which will make me feel worse about myself.

Click to expand...

It's not about depriving myself. I find showering taxing in the best of times. I need the spoons for it but with feeling like I do currently there aren't many to go around. Ironically I showered a lot during my abuse.
These are good suggestions, I like doing the "full hog" and no less, but flexibility would be useful. As much as I let it happen I don't like feeling dirty. I need to do proper maintenance soon though, I am finding dust balls in my hair.
I need to trim it but would not like to have to cut it short for ease of care.

RainbowSearchParty said:

Slow and steady wins the race. Reaching out to help lines is a good step, and maybe you have an in-real-life human to reach out to next? a friend, neighbor, therapist?

Click to expand...

somerandomguy said:

@Dark.Green.Feathers, I'm sorry you're suffering so much. It's a truism that once the box is opened, we feel a lot worse before we feel better. But eventually we do feel better.

What happened to you was not your fault in any way, shape, or form. You don't have to prove to yourself, or to us, that it happened and that it was terrible - we believe you.

I can't remember if you have a therapist or not. You might want to try talking to someone in your real life about what happened to you - someone who will believe and support you. This is a very heavy burden to carry alone.

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@somerandomguy thank you, it means a lot.
Re: therapist, I'm anxiously searching for one. Someone we know may be able to give some recs that suit my needs.
Re: family/friends/trusted someone. My dad knows a limited amount -enough to have made me move back home-, and a trusted friend knows the basic gist of it all. They know I'm sick but I haven't shared much. I need to because look at me but as you know, it's hard.
I have a sibling who I trust a lot. I just don't know what the reaction would be so I'm nervous about that. Might be a good idea though.