Coping with Feeling Blamed and Triggered by Shame

I don’t think I can handle more responsibilities and I’m afraid of taking on responsibilities that shouldn’t be my own due to childhood. I’m scared to take on more than I can handle, especially with trying to manage my symptoms.

I don’t want to come across as brazen by showcasing my abilities. I want to strike a balance between shamelessness and not taking opportunities out of low esteem. I want to go after opportunities without appearing desperate or egoic.

BuildingSelf24 said:

I don’t think I can handle more responsibilities and I’m afraid of taking on responsibilities that shouldn’t be my own due to childhood. I’m scared to take on more than I can handle, especially with trying to manage my symptoms.

I don’t want to come across as brazen by showcasing my abilities. I want to strike a balance between shamelessness and not taking opportunities out of low esteem. I want to go after opportunities without appearing desperate or egoic.

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@BuildingSelf24, it's understandable that the fear of overburdening yourself with responsibilities and taking on tasks that trigger memories of childhood roles can be overwhelming. It's important to recognize and respect your current limits while gradually challenging yourself to step outside your comfort zone in manageable ways.

Finding that balance between humility and self-promotion is a delicate dance, especially when navigating the impact of past experiences on your self-esteem and sense of worth. Acknowledging that you deserve to pursue opportunities that align with your skills and goals without feeling the need to diminish your abilities or come across as egotistical is a valid and admirable aspiration.

Have you considered setting small, achievable goals for yourself in terms of taking on new responsibilities or showcasing your skills at work? How can you approach these opportunities with a sense of curiosity and openness, allowing yourself to grow and learn without the added pressure of perfection or external judgment?

Remember, self-compassion and self-awareness can guide you as you navigate these challenges and work towards striking that balance between honoring your capabilities and respecting your boundaries.

I hadn’t considered that but I can pace myself by taking on more responsibility slowly and building on my skills and Showcasing them over time.

I think it’s hard for me to allow myself to grow and learn without that fear of judgement and fear of not being perfect. I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to be curious or open to anything. I’m afraid that it will lead to negative consequences due to past experiences.

How can I create an environment for myself where I have the space to learn and grow without the shame and fear?

BuildingSelf24 said:

I hadn’t considered that but I can pace myself by taking on more responsibility slowly and building on my skills and Showcasing them over time.

I think it’s hard for me to allow myself to grow and learn without that fear of judgement and fear of not being perfect. I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to be curious or open to anything. I’m afraid that it will lead to negative consequences due to past experiences.

How can I create an environment for myself where I have the space to learn and grow without the shame and fear?

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@BuildingSelf24, it's encouraging to hear that you're open to the idea of pacing yourself and gradually stepping into more responsibility while building on your skills over time. Taking a measured approach can help alleviate the pressure you may feel to excel immediately and allow you to focus on your personal growth and development at a comfortable pace.

The fear of judgment and the pressure to achieve perfection can be significant barriers to allowing yourself the space to learn and grow authentically. It's important to acknowledge that making mistakes and experiencing setbacks are natural parts of the learning process and do not diminish your worth or capabilities.

Creating a supportive and nurturing environment for yourself starts with cultivating self-compassion and self-acceptance. How can you practice being kind and understanding towards yourself when faced with challenges or moments of vulnerability? Are there specific self-care practices or affirmations that can help you counteract feelings of shame and fear as you navigate unfamiliar territory?

Additionally, surrounding yourself with individuals who uplift and encourage your growth can provide a sense of safety and validation as you explore new opportunities. How can you seek out supportive connections or mentorship to help you foster an environment that nurtures your curiosity and openness to learning?

I think there’s a part of me that feels like I’m deserving of shame and harsh consequences for mistakes. I think challenging that is important to not fearing mistakes and their consequences. Knowing that the normal response to a mistake is usually a conversation not a harsh consequence unless it’s a very egregious mistake which I have not done.

I have group chats at work that are very helpful for connecting to others and getting answers on any difficulties with projects, so it’s very helpful and low judgement just helpful reminders and tips.

BuildingSelf24 said:

I think there’s a part of me that feels like I’m deserving of shame and harsh consequences for mistakes. I think challenging that is important to not fearing mistakes and their consequences. Knowing that the normal response to a mistake is usually a conversation not a harsh consequence unless it’s a very egregious mistake which I have not done.

I have group chats at work that are very helpful for connecting to others and getting answers on any difficulties with projects, so it’s very helpful and low judgement just helpful reminders and tips.

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@BuildingSelf24, it's understandable that internalized beliefs of deserving shame or harsh consequences for mistakes can weigh heavily on you and impact your willingness to take risks or embrace growth opportunities. Challenging these ingrained beliefs is a crucial step towards reframing your relationship with failure and understanding that making mistakes is a natural part of the learning process.

Recognizing that the normal response to mistakes typically involves open dialogue and constructive feedback rather than punitive measures is a powerful realization. It can help alleviate the fear of consequences and create space for self-forgiveness and growth as you navigate challenges in your personal and professional life.

It's wonderful to hear that you have supportive group chats at work that serve as a valuable resource for connecting with others and seeking advice on project-related difficulties. Surrounding yourself with a community that offers helpful reminders, tips, and encouragement can be instrumental in fostering a sense of collaboration and mutual support.

How can you draw upon the positive experiences from these group chats to cultivate a mindset of shared learning and growth in other areas of your life? How might you extend the compassionate and non-judgmental approach that you receive in these chats to how you relate to yourself when faced with setbacks or mistakes?

Remember, you deserve kindness and understanding, especially from yourself, as you navigate the complexities of personal and professional growth.

I think the challenge for me is recognizing that a mistake or suggested changes are not humiliating or debasing. My self esteem does not have to be tied to not making a mistake and being perfect. I do not need to be perfect in order to earn esteem or respect. Is this a right way to think about this to ameliorate some of the shame and distress? Is there anything I should add?

BuildingSelf24 said:

I think the challenge for me is recognizing that a mistake or suggested changes are not humiliating or debasing. My self esteem does not have to be tied to not making a mistake and being perfect. I do not need to be perfect in order to earn esteem or respect. Is this a right way to think about this to ameliorate some of the shame and distress? Is there anything I should add?

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@BuildingSelf24, you've identified a significant mindset shift that can contribute to reducing feelings of shame and distress surrounding mistakes and the need for perfection. Recognizing that your self-esteem does not have to be contingent on flawlessness and that making errors is a natural part of growth and learning is a powerful realization.

Understanding that imperfection does not diminish your inherent worth or detract from your capabilities can help shift your focus from avoiding mistakes at all costs to embracing them as opportunities for self-improvement and development.

In addition to reframing your perspective on mistakes, it may also be helpful to explore the underlying beliefs or experiences that have led to your feelings of shame and the need for perfection. Is there a particular event or pattern from your past that has influenced the way you perceive mistakes and their consequences? How can you challenge and reframe these beliefs to align more closely with self-compassion and self-acceptance?

Furthermore, practicing self-compassion exercises, such as mindfulness, self-soothing techniques, or positive affirmations, can further support your journey towards cultivating a more forgiving and understanding relationship with yourself. How can you integrate self-compassion practices into your daily routine to reinforce the idea that mistakes do not define your worth or value as a person?

Remember, you are deserving of esteem and respect regardless of your perceived imperfections or missteps. Embracing a mindset of growth, self-compassion, and openness to learning can help you navigate challenges with resilience and grace.

I think I need to recognize my own inherent worth and my capabilities. Are there any exercises that I can do to work on building up that sense? I have the belief that I shouldn’t see myself as worthy for fear of being judged as full of myself.

I think I should get more comfortable with making mistakes and seeing them a more lighthearted manner. Maybe I can do a hobby that I’m not good at so the mistakes don’t seem so high stakes. I also think I have a fear of not being efficient and wasting time or resources so making mistakes is seen negatively from that point of view too.

BuildingSelf24 said:

I think I need to recognize my own inherent worth and my capabilities. Are there any exercises that I can do to work on building up that sense? I have the belief that I shouldn’t see myself as worthy for fear of being judged as full of myself.

I think I should get more comfortable with making mistakes and seeing them a more lighthearted manner. Maybe I can do a hobby that I’m not good at so the mistakes don’t seem so high stakes. I also think I have a fear of not being efficient and wasting time or resources so making mistakes is seen negatively from that point of view too.

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@BuildingSelf24, it's commendable that you are looking to cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth and recognize your inherent capabilities. Building self-esteem and self-compassion involves practice and patience, but there are exercises and activities that can help reinforce these positive beliefs about yourself.

One exercise to work on enhancing self-worth is keeping a daily gratitude journal. Each day, take a few moments to write down three things you appreciate about yourself or your accomplishments, no matter how small. Reflecting on your strengths and acknowledging your achievements can help shift your focus towards your worthiness and capabilities.

Regarding the fear of being judged as full of yourself, it's important to differentiate between genuine confidence and arrogance. Embracing your worth and acknowledging your strengths does not equate to being boastful or self-centered. How can you reframe your understanding of self-worth as a healthy and essential aspect of self-care and self-acceptance?

Engaging in a hobby where you are not already skilled can be a great way to practice embracing mistakes in a lighthearted manner. Whether it's painting, playing an instrument, or trying a new sport, allowing yourself to be a beginner and make errors can help normalize the learning process and cultivate resilience in the face of setbacks.

Overcoming your fear of not being efficient and the aversion to making mistakes due to concerns about wasting time or resources may involve challenging the perfectionistic mindset that underlies these beliefs. How can you reframe mistakes as valuable learning opportunities that ultimately contribute to your growth and development, rather than as failures to be avoided at all costs?

Remember, self-worth is not about perfection but about recognizing your inherent value as a unique and capable individual. Embracing mistakes as part of the journey towards self-improvement and personal growth can empower you to approach challenges with a sense of curiosity and openness.

I think I have to realize that any showcase of skills or talking about them isn’t arrogance because it would not be an overestimation of my abilities but seeing them as they are. Healthy self esteem isn’t the same as arrogance. It’s also healthy if I do it an appropriate amount and not excessively. Never talking about myself and my capabilities isn’t healthy and is an over correction.

Yes. I need to see the value in making mistakes. They are a learning opportunity. It’s difficult to learn without making any mistakes especially for more involved tasks.

BuildingSelf24 said:

I think I have to realize that any showcase of skills or talking about them isn’t arrogance because it would not be an overestimation of my abilities but seeing them as they are. Healthy self esteem isn’t the same as arrogance. It’s also healthy if I do it an appropriate amount and not excessively. Never talking about myself and my capabilities isn’t healthy and is an over correction.

Yes. I need to see the value in making mistakes. They are a learning opportunity. It’s difficult to learn without making any mistakes especially for more involved tasks.

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@BuildingSelf24, you've made an insightful observation about the distinction between healthy self-esteem and arrogance. Recognizing and acknowledging your skills, accomplishments, and capabilities is not a demonstration of arrogance but rather a reflection of self-awareness and self-acceptance. It's about owning your strengths and valuing your contributions without diminishing the worth of others.

Finding a balance in how you share about your abilities is key. It's important to recognize the value of discussing your skills and accomplishments in appropriate contexts as a way to build connections, foster collaboration, and demonstrate your unique qualities. Avoiding excessive self-promotion while also refraining from self-deprecation can help you strike a healthy balance in how you navigate conversations about your capabilities.

Embracing the value of making mistakes as a fundamental part of the learning process is a transformative mindset shift. Understanding that errors are opportunities for growth, insight, and skill development can help alleviate the pressure of perfectionism and fear of failure. How can you approach tasks with a spirit of experimentation and curiosity, knowing that mistakes are not only acceptable but also beneficial for your progress?

Reflecting on past experiences where making mistakes ultimately led to valuable insights or improvements can reinforce the idea that errors are not detrimental but rather integral to personal and professional development. How can you integrate a growth-oriented mindset towards mistakes in your daily life and work towards viewing challenges as opportunities for learning and self-discovery?

Remember, embracing your skills and capabilities with humility and sharing them authentically can contribute to building a healthy sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Embracing mistakes as stepping stones towards growth and mastery can empower you to approach tasks with courage, resilience, and a willingness to learn from every experience.