Real attraction and love

I’ve come to realize that a lot of the feelings and impulses that would lead me to pursue or accept relationships with others came from thought errors and feelings around abuse. In my last romantic relationship, I felt an intense pull and such intense feelings to the point that I would get a headache. Now I know that pull and those feelings were just flashbacks and I get scared and pull away when I feel a pull towards someone.

Can anyone who has had loving long-term relationships tell me what it felt like when they met their partner or when they started to fall for them? I feel like I don’t even know what healthy love and relationships should feel like.

BuildingSelf24 said:

Can anyone who has had loving long-term relationships tell me what it felt like when they met their partner or when they started to fall for them? I feel like I don’t even know what healthy love and relationships should feel like.

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We're celebrating 20 years together this year.

When I met E, I had decided I was useless at relationships and I wasn't worth being in one. That I would just have a collection of lovers and that would be that. So, along came E. I didn't tell her much about me at all. No point. She didn't know my surname. Didn't know where I lived. Didn't know much about me. I kept it very detached.
All defensive actions on my part.
But, I quickly ended the other 'connections' I had and actually only then 'dated' E. I felt like I wanted to focus just on her and seeing other people took my attention away from her.
A couple of months in and I had gone on holiday to the other side of the world to meet friends there. And spent the entire 2 weeks texting E. It was only then that I realised: if I am texting someone all the time , then I must have feelings for them? And then I accepted that I was falling in love.

What did it feel like? I had zero expectations of love and a relationship. But I knew each time I saw her that it wasn't the last time.
I was excited by her. She made me interested in getting to know her. She made me laugh. I wanted to be in her company. It felt exciting and fun and easy and new and different.

And to this day, I feel like I learn from her, laugh with her. And most importantly: she just lets me be me. No judgement. Just acceptance.
I feel very grateful and lucky.

Movingforward10 said:

What did it feel like? I had zero expectations of love and a relationship. But I knew each time I saw her that it wasn't the last time.
I was excited by her. She made me interested in getting to know her. She made me laugh. I wanted to be in her company. It felt exciting and fun and easy and new and different.

And to this day, I feel like I learn from her, laugh with her. And most importantly: she just lets me be me. No judgement. Just acceptance.
I feel very grateful and lucky.

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This makes me warm and smushy (and I'm not the warm and smushy type!) It's such a gorgeous finding of yourself and what love and care is

@BuildingSelf24 hearing you, I have no bright ideas, I'm pretty clueless, but I hope that safe and loving relationships are on the horizon for you

Definitely nothing intense.
Kind of more like, I like this person, I think I’d like to get to know them a bit better. It’s all very easy, no stress. Just gradually becomes getting to know them better, being very natural.

It’s never been one massive realisation of oh heck I love this person. It’s more just random little moments among the laughter, or the goofy stuff, or the shitty moments that they stick around through.

i have 44 years with my spouse and zero faith in the standardized romantic rhetoric. my first bond with my husband was a shared dislike for the dating game and all the rhetoric attached. keep it pragmatic, please. it turns out that he is far more romantic than i, but? ? ? different thread. within the initial blooming of our relationship, i felt a tremendous relief in being able to sidestep all that sticky icky goo of romantic vomit.

BuildingSelf24 said:

I’ve come to realize that a lot of the feelings and impulses that would lead me to pursue or accept relationships with others came from thought errors and feelings around abuse.

Click to expand...

i STILL suffer this phenom with my social interactions, including those with my husband. the mindful acceptance of "acceptance and commitment therapy" has been my most effective tool so far. process mindfully while continuing to move through the here and now.

Movingforward10 said:

We're celebrating 20 years together this year.

When I met E, I had decided I was useless at relationships and I wasn't worth being in one. That I would just have a collection of lovers and that would be that. So, along came E. I didn't tell her much about me at all. No point. She didn't know my surname. Didn't know where I lived. Didn't know much about me. I kept it very detached.
All defensive actions on my part.
But, I quickly ended the other 'connections' I had and actually only then 'dated' E. I felt like I wanted to focus just on her and seeing other people took my attention away from her.
A couple of months in and I had gone on holiday to the other side of the world to meet friends there. And spent the entire 2 weeks texting E. It was only then that I realised: if I am texting someone all the time , then I must have feelings for them? And then I accepted that I was falling in love.

What did it feel like? I had zero expectations of love and a relationship. But I knew each time I saw her that it wasn't the last time.
I was excited by her. She made me interested in getting to know her. She made me laugh. I wanted to be in her company. It felt exciting and fun and easy and new and different.

And to this day, I feel like I learn from her, laugh with her. And most importantly: she just lets me be me. No judgement. Just acceptance.
I feel very grateful and lucky.

Click to expand...

That sounds great. I hope to find someone that I can gradually get to know like that. I find myself not really being interested in a lot of people and if I am, it’s usually because I’m being drawn to them and feel like I have no choice but to go with it.

This sounds so wholesome and sweet. I hope your relationship continues to be this way!

No More said:

Definitely nothing intense.
Kind of more like, I like this person, I think I’d like to get to know them a bit better. It’s all very easy, no stress. Just gradually becomes getting to know them better, being very natural.

It’s never been one massive realisation of oh heck I love this person. It’s more just random little moments among the laughter, or the goofy stuff, or the shitty moments that they stick around through.

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Hearing this made me realize that I feel like I have to get to know someone and give them a chance if they express interest, so it’s never a natural process and I always have to decide if I want to be with them or continue with them or not, which causes a lot of stress and back and forth in my mind. This sounds so peaceful.

I’ll keep this in mind in the future that it’s about me wanting to get to know them better as opposed to having to get know them better. Thank you for this!

arfie said:

i have 44 years with my spouse and zero faith in the standardized romantic rhetoric. my first bond with my husband was a shared dislike for the dating game and all the rhetoric attached. keep it pragmatic, please. it turns out that he is far more romantic than i, but? ? ? different thread. within the initial blooming of our relationship, i felt a tremendous relief in being able to sidestep all that sticky icky goo of romantic vomit.

i STILL suffer this phenom with my social interactions, including those with my husband. the mindful acceptance of "acceptance and commitment therapy" has been my most effective tool so far. process mindfully while continuing to move through the here and now.

Click to expand...

I definitely relate to hating the current discourse around dating and relationships. It feels so degrading and dehumanizing. I’m not a huge fan of the romance stuff either which I’ve definitely gotten flack for in previous relationships. But I’ve also been shamed for wanting basic things like commitment and sharing of thoughts and feelings.

I think your approach with your husband is very admirable. It makes me think I want someone who I also shares the same outlook on relationships as I do and maybe that’s been part of the problem.

Being mindful of the thoughts and feelings but staying present is a struggle at times. I think I get caught up in why they are there and if I should go along with them or not. Remembering to just stay present and respond to what is in front of me instead of to my thoughts and feelings would definitely be helpful!

Thank you so much! Your posts and replies are always so relatable and revealing. I learn so much.

BuildingSelf24 said:

I definitely relate to hating the current discourse around dating and relationships. It feels so degrading and dehumanizing.

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i was last eligible for dating in 1979. the 70's dating rhetoric was already divorce planner cliche. it hasn't gotten any better since romantics have traded in real time for virtual reality. does "virtual" still mean, "almost?" i have zero regrets about dumping the cliches in favor of reading the eyes in front of me and ONLY the eyes in front of me. the only men i worry about are the ones sharing my pillow and there is only one of those. keep it singular.

BuildingSelf24 said:

Being mindful of the thoughts and feelings but staying present is a struggle at times.

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amen, i say unto thee, amen. i attended my ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) workshops around the turn of the millennium and it STILL don't don't come easy. if it was easy, everybody would do it.

BuildingSelf24 said:

I’ve come to realize that a lot of the feelings and impulses that would lead me to pursue or accept relationships with others came from thought errors and feelings around abuse. In my last romantic relationship, I felt an intense pull and such intense feelings to the point that I would get a headache. Now I know that pull and those feelings were just flashbacks and I get scared and pull away when I feel a pull towards someone.

Can anyone who has had loving long-term relationships tell me what it felt like when they met their partner or when they started to fall for them? I feel like I don’t even know what healthy love and relationships should feel like.

Click to expand...

When I met my partner, I didn't feel an intense, overwhelming pull like you described. Instead, I felt a sense of calm and comfort around them. It was like I could be myself, without fear of judgment or rejection. As we got to know each other better, I started to feel a deep connection and affection that grew gradually over time.

For me, healthy love and relationships feel like a sense of safety, trust, and mutual respect. It's not about intense feelings or a strong physical attraction, but about feeling seen, heard, and understood. It's about being able to communicate openly and honestly, and working through challenges together.

phillip224 said:

When I met my partner, I didn't feel an intense, overwhelming pull like you described. Instead, I felt a sense of calm and comfort around them. It was like I could be myself, without fear of judgment or rejection. As we got to know each other better, I started to feel a deep connection and affection that grew gradually over time.

For me, healthy love and relationships feel like a sense of safety, trust, and mutual respect. It's not about intense feelings or a strong physical attraction, but about feeling seen, heard, and understood. It's about being able to communicate openly and honestly, and working through challenges together.

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That’s what I really want. But it feels like I’ll never find that.

phillip224 said:

safety, trust, and mutual respect

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Totally this. It's a wonderful feeling. Safety. Trust. Mutual respect.
Lovely.

BuildingSelf24 said:

But it feels like I’ll never find that.

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It's hard when it feels like that. But, as everyone keeps telling me (!), feelings aren't facts. Feelings don't make a reality. We have absolutely no way of knowing what will happen tomorrow, so: you never know.